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Page history last edited by PBworks 17 years, 4 months ago


 

Part Eight: The Beach

 

 

Rodney took care of the debriefing, and then went back to his quarters to take a shower. He felt sweaty and dirty, and a little bit shaky too. The idea of subbing to the Neanderthal who had taken him hostage didn't appeal in the least - even Bates would have been a preferable option. The warm water washed away the sweat and dirt, and Rodney closed his eyes and leaned under the spray. His mind travelled over the events of the day and he remembered lying under Sheppard's lean, hard body, and the way the colonel had grinned down at him. His cock hardened at the memory, and Rodney took it in his hand and sighed, delighted to have an erection. He had always been very highly sexed but ever since they'd arrived in Atlantis his libido seemed to have gone into hibernation, and it had been a long time since he'd enjoyed masturbating. Back when Bates had been tormenting him, his cock had remained resolutely flaccid whenever he'd tried to touch it, and eventually he'd given up. Now it seemed to be returning to life, and it felt damn good. Rodney leaned against the shower wall and thought about Sheppard again, wondering what it would be like to feel the colonel's white teeth nipping his skin, or those hard, elegant fingers working his ass open. He imagined the colonel pinning him against a wall, those moist lips of his claiming his own, demanding that he surrender to him, making him his, and he gasped out loud as he came. He cleaned himself under the shower, but although he was glad to finally get his libido back, he was troubled by his fantasy. Sheppard was, after all, the ultimate in unobtainable. Rodney had a very high opinion of himself in many areas, but he didn't fool himself that Sheppard would be interested in him as a potential sub. He'd already proved himself to be difficult over the past few months, and he just wasn't the kind of sub that a top like Sheppard would be interested in. Rodney knew exactly the kinds of subs that the colonel would be attracted to. He could see them in his mind's eye - gorgeous, lithe, compliant, and, well, *nice*. Sheppard would want one of those socially confident, friendly people - the kind who knew the right things to say at dinner parties and would support the colonel in his career. That was never going to be Rodney, and he knew it. Not that it mattered in any case, he told himself, because he'd made a resolution that he was never taking a military top again, and he was determined to stick to it.

 

It was nearly ten p.m. by the time Rodney got dressed and wandered along to the mess hall for something to eat. The mess hall was predictably deserted at that late hour, and there wasn't anything particularly appealing left to eat, either. Rodney didn't much care - he just wanted to fill his stomach and go to bed. He grabbed some coffee, sandwiches and cake, and then went and sat down by himself. He wasn't intending to hang around - he was usually able to demolish even the most sizeable meal in under five minutes flat, and he was half way through his second sandwich when he heard a noise at the door, and turned. He froze as he saw Sheppard standing there. Sheppard froze too, and then, with a sigh, he crossed the room to where Rodney was eating.

 

"I'm nearly done," Rodney said, stuffing the rest of the sandwich hurriedly into his mouth. "If you, uh, wanted the place to yourself."

 

"I don't. I came here looking for you," Sheppard said. "Can I sit down?"

 

"Free country," Rodney muttered. "Well, city. Whatever." He shrugged, feeling stupid. Sheppard looked as if he'd just taken a shower as well, the ends of his hair still wet.

 

"I wanted to apologise," the colonel said, taking Rodney by surprise.

 

"Oh. Right. Okay." Rodney gazed at him uncertainly. "You were behaving really weirdly. Plus, I have a bruise on my arm from where you dragged me off the floor."

 

"I'm sorry." Sheppard looked it. In fact he looked terrible - and sort of grimly determined too.

 

"Good. Not that I didn't appreciate the heroic rescue and all that stuff but there is no way you should have spoken to me like that in front of everyone."

 

"I agree." Sheppard nodded.

 

"Good. Then we'll say no more about it - or that ludicrous suggestion that we do some kind of anti-hostage training because really, how often am I going to get taken prisoner by sex-starved dominants?" Rodney rolled his eyes.

 

"We're still going to do the training," Sheppard told him firmly.

 

"Oh you cannot be serious!" Rodney exploded. "There is no way we need to spend hours in the practise room, doing some boring drill, just on the offchance that one day…."

 

"It might save your life?" Sheppard raised an eyebrow. "That's exactly what we're going to do, Rodney."

 

Rodney glared at him. "I don't have time. I'm far too busy. The shooting lessons are bad enough but this!"

 

"I thought you liked the shooting lessons," Sheppard said, leaning back.

 

"Well, at least they're kind of cool, but that's it. No more. I'm a scientist, not a soldier!"

 

"I know, and you're a brilliant scientist, and extremely important to this expedition. I just want to keep you safe," Sheppard told him.

 

"Is that why you keep following me?" Rodney demanded. Sheppard frowned.

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"You keep following me. Everywhere I go you're there! Breakfast, lunch, dinner, my lab, the infirmary - here, now!" Rodney got up, feeling aggrieved. "You can't keep an eye on me everywhere, Colonel, and it really irritates me that you were demanding I trust you a couple of hours ago but you clearly don't trust me!"

 

"You think…" Sheppard paused, looking completely stunned. "You think I'm following you around?"

 

"You are!" Rodney snapped.

 

"And you think that's because I don't trust you?" Sheppard asked, in a bitter tone of voice.

 

"Yes. Yes I do." Rodney stuck out his jaw obstinately. "Now, I know my track record since arriving on Atlantis hasn’t exactly been brilliant, but I've had certain…pressures, and if you'll look at my record before this expedition, you'll see that I've always been a very reliable and exemplary member of the team, to say nothing of an extremely brilliant scientist, which, by the way, I'm glad you've noticed. So, perhaps you'd care to stop stalking me!"

 

"I'm not stalking you, Rodney," Sheppard said, shaking his head wryly. He hesitated, took a deep breath, and then continued, his hazel eyes watching Rodney intently. "I'm interested in you."

 

"What?" Rodney glared at him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

 

"My god, do I have to spell it out?" Sheppard ran a hand through his hair, leaving it looking even more artfully tousled than usual. "I'm interested in you, Rodney! You're a sub, I'm a top, neither of us is seeing anyone. Why does this surprise you?"

 

Rodney gazed at him for a moment, completely and utterly taken by surprise, and then he thought he'd figured it out. "Oh. Okay. I see. Very clever, Colonel. I upset your men, so you think you'll have a little fun with me. See how far you can take the joke. Maybe I'm supposed to wake up naked, handcuffed to one of the puddlejumpers or something, hmm? Well it's not going to work - the answer's no." He felt the heat rise to his cheeks, and a familiar, sinking sense of betrayal in his gut. Damnit but he'd *liked* Sheppard, and he thought the man liked him. All that 'you're on the team' stuff…but that was the military for you - you just couldn't trust any of them. Rodney turned, abruptly, not wanting the colonel to see that he'd got to him, and he hurried quickly towards the door.

 

He was almost there when he heard Sheppard behind him, and then he was yanked around, and pushed bodily against the wall, and Sheppard was standing there, pressed against him. Rodney's treacherous body reacted the way it always did when Sheppard got hold of him and went completely still. Sheppard was breathing heavily, gazing at him from under those heavy-lidded hazel eyes.

 

"It's not a joke, damnit," he hissed. "Why the hell would you think that?"

 

"Because you could have anyone you like," Rodney replied bitterly. John gave a wry laugh at that.

 

"Yeah. Right. Anyone I like…you'd think, wouldn't you?"

 

"Oh come on. Look at you. Don't tell me you haven't worked your way around half the subs on this base already!" Rodney snapped.

 

"I haven't taken a sub in over a year," Sheppard told him.

 

Rodney's eyes narrowed. "I don't believe you."

 

"Oh for god's sake - why would I lie to you? I haven't taken a sub in a year because nobody has interested me. You're right - I have had a lot of subs - I admit that, but not for the past year because I wanted to wait for someone special."

 

"And that's me? Oh please," Rodney snorted.

 

"Yes it is," Sheppard told him intently. "It is you, Rodney. I want you. I need you. I've got to have you, Rodney. It's driving me insane."

 

Rodney gazed at him, surprised by the raw need in Sheppard's voice. If this was an act it was a damn good one.

 

"You still don't believe me?" Sheppard asked.

 

"I don't know," Rodney murmured.

 

"Well then maybe this will convince you." Sheppard took hold of Rodney's face, and pressed his lips lightly, gently, against Rodney's mouth. He didn't dive in for a big kiss - it was a gossamer light touch, but it made every nerve-ending in Rodney's body fizz and zing into life. He sighed into the kiss, leaning back against the wall. This felt so good, so right - he almost dropped his guard. Then Sheppard drew back and gazed at him, his eyes dark. "Believe me now?" he asked, brushing gentle fingers down the side of Rodney's cheek. Rodney gazed back at him blindly, unsure what to believe.

 

"I…it doesn't matter whether I do or not," Rodney told him finally, struggling to compose himself. "Because…I'm not interested." It was a lie, he knew that even as he said it, but he just wanted an escape route out of this confusing situation.

 

A strange mix of emotions played across Sheppard's face - shock, despair and a weary kind of resignation. Rodney watched, fascinated by this rare glimpse of the man behind the mask.

 

"Would you be kind enough to tell me why?" Sheppard asked at last.

 

"I've had enough grief at the hands of you military boys. I made a vow not to sub to one again - I always seem to come out of it hurt, or humiliated, or both, and it's not worth it."

 

"That's it?" Sheppard looked incredulous. "Rodney, don't be an idiot. Don't throw away something that could be potentially so good just because of some stupid vow."

 

"It's not stupid." Rodney thrust out his jaw angrily. "I'm flattered by your interest, Colonel, but the answer is still no. Now, if you'll excuse me." He pushed past Sheppard and walked out into the hallway, only to find, a few seconds later, that his arm had been seized again. He turned, angrily.

 

"Aren't you listening to me?" he hissed. "What happened to 'when a sub says no he means no'? Hmm?"

 

Sheppard dropped his arm as if stung. "I wouldn't hassle you," he said. "I'd never do that. I just wanted to tell you…tomorrow's Saturday."

 

Rodney looked at him as if he'd gone crazy. "What the hell has that got to do with anything?"

 

"I thought…that is, I think I did this all wrong tonight. Tomorrow, if you want, maybe we could go to that beach I told you about, on the mainland? You could get to know me a bit better before blowing me off. I'd rather you turned me down because you don't like me than because of my profession." He made a self-deprecating face. Rodney stared at him blankly. "What do you say? Give me a chance? It's just one day - on the beach - that's all I'm asking."

 

"You mean…kind of like a date?" Rodney wrinkled up his forehead. Sheppard shrugged.

 

"Why not? Look, Rodney, I've laid all my cards on the table - I don't have any more left to play. I'm sorry you thought I was stalking you but I just wanted to spend some time with you. I've felt this strong attraction to you from the first second I met you. You don't have to give me an answer now, but I'll be waiting for you in the mess hall tomorrow morning at ten. If you don't show then I promise I'll respect your wishes, and I won't pursue you again. Okay?"

 

Rodney just stared at him. Sheppard nodded, too fast. "Okay then. I'll…well, I'll go now." And with that he turned and disappeared quickly up the hallway.

 

Rodney was barely aware of returning to his quarters - his feet took him there of their own accord and when he got there he sank down on the bed, completely astonished. Sheppard was interested in him? *Sheppard*? Not that he wasn't flattered but…Sheppard? Sheppard of all people? It wasn't exactly as if he was going out of his way to attract attention from tops these days, either. Rodney got up and surveyed himself in the mirror, with a grimace. There was no way Sheppard could be interested in him - he looked crumpled and shabby, unshaven and unkempt…why would any top be interested in him looking like this? Rodney felt a little pang of shame - he'd always been fastidious about his personal appearance - he liked to be neat and tidy, and look professional and together.

 

"Damnit, McKay - what the hell happened to you?" he wondered out loud. He gazed at himself for a long time, not liking what he saw and wondering why Sheppard *had* somehow liked what he saw. What was Sheppard seeing exactly?

 

Rodney shook his head, and turned away from the mirror. He wasn't going to do this. He wasn't going to get excited about some top and then have his life stamped on as it had been so often before. He thought about that intent look in Sheppard's eyes, and the way his lips had felt pressed lightly against his own. He'd wanted more. His entire body had ached with wanting. He'd wanted to pull Sheppard close, and kiss him properly. He wanted to be claimed, and loved, and topped by that handsome, intriguing man but…it wasn't worth it. It wouldn't work, and it would be even worse when it came to an end, as it inevitably would. They'd be stuck out here in the Pegasus Galaxy, in this small city, unable to escape each other. No, it was better not to get involved. Sheppard was military after all, and Rodney hadn't had any good experiences with military tops. Better to let this drop, pretend it never happened.

 

Rodney glanced back at the mirror, panic-stricken, as a thought suddenly occurred to him. Supposing this was the one good thing that was ever going to happen to him in his entire life, and he turned it down? Damnit, if he could only know how it was going to turn out before committing himself to the possible heartache of it all. How the hell was he supposed to decide what to do? Everything had been so difficult lately, and he hadn't made the best choices, he knew that. What was the best choice now? Rodney gazed at himself glumly. Take a chance and hope for the best, or play it safe? Rodney buried his face in his hands and groaned. He honestly had no idea what to do.

 

~*~

 

John arrived in the mess hall at nine the following morning. He was ridiculously early but he hadn't got much sleep the previous night and had finally given up trying at six a.m. and gone for a run instead. After that he'd packed the puddle jumper with lunch, and other assorted oddments for a day trip that he didn't actually believe was going to happen, before finally getting showered and changed, and heading to the mess hall. He hated feeling like this, afraid of rejection, and in thrall to something so big it was eating away at him from the inside out. He was finding it hard to concentrate on anything other than his overwhelming attraction to Rodney, but at the same time he'd never felt more exhilarated in his life. The day seemed full of possibilities - not the momentary gratification of another conquest, but the chance of something bigger, and much more satisfying. He'd never made the first move before, never asked anyone out on a date, never put himself in the position where it could go wrong, and he could fail. Now he thought he understood what all the movies and books were banging on about. His stomach was so jittery he couldn't face eating the breakfast he'd brought over to the table, and he kept looking up at the door as the minutes ticked by, agonisingly slowly. He wasn't sure what he was expecting to happen - Rodney had been pretty adamant in his refusal the previous day after all, and yet…John had seen the look in the scientist's eyes after he'd kissed him, and that gave him a kind of hope. He was expecting the worst, but there was an enjoyable kind of agony to be had from hoping for the best. He'd dressed with care that morning, deciding to forego his leather pants (too hot) in favour of jeans and a loose black shirt, two long, elegant, black leather wristbands, and a black and silver earring that hung like a twisted thunderbolt from his right ear. He hoped he struck a suitable middle ground between toppy and casual.

 

He hadn't entirely decided what to do if Rodney didn't show, although he suspected that taking the puddle jumper out to some remote spot and then going for an extremely long run might feature. He knew he'd want to crawl away and lick his wounds somewhere in private.

 

John glanced at his watch impatiently. 9.58. He was starting to wonder why anyone would fall in love - it was total agony. His stomach was constantly churning, and every second felt like an hour. He was trying to keep his usual casual mask in place, but already Lorne had joined him at the table and then left soon after when he realised how completely distracted John was. John hadn't explained - it wasn't anybody's business but his own - and he was far too wound up to be able to manage his usual mask of laidback cool.

 

9.59. John got up and paced around his table. There were only a handful of people in the mess hall, and although he got a couple of strange looks he really couldn't have cared less.

 

10.00. John looked hopefully towards the door and stayed looking at it for one whole minute, his entire body frozen as he waited, but nobody walked through it. At 10.01 John sat down again and curled his hands around the mug of cold coffee in front of him, gazing into its brown depths despondently.

 

At 10.02 there was a clatter of noise at the door and John jerked his head up, eagerly, but it was just a party of botanists, in relaxed weekend clothing, chattering excitedly about something. John watched them for a few minutes, hoping he didn't look as self-conscious as he felt, sitting here, waiting for something that was looking less and less likely to happen.

 

By 10.08 it was clear that Rodney wasn't coming. John sank his hands into his hair and gazed back into his coffee mug again, trying to collect himself. He'd tried not to think about this moment, but, now that it had happened, he felt a little black hole of devastation open up in the pit of his stomach. He thought he'd need to speak to Carson at some point, but first…first he needed to run very fast and very far, and then find himself a bottle of some very potent alcohol to drown out these emotions. Perhaps after a week or two of that kind of behaviour he'd feel better - although somehow he doubted it.

 

He was in the middle of that thought when the botanists fell strangely silent, and a small but distinct gasp was heard from one of them. Frowning, John glanced up…and his jaw dropped. Rodney was walking towards him - only it wasn't a Rodney he'd ever seen before. Gone was the slightly dishevelled, shabby, mad scientist, and in his place was an extremely attractive and very well presented sub. Rodney's hair was no longer a matted mess, and it looked as if he'd had a good couple of inches lopped off the ends. It was still long enough to be endearingly curly though, and it was gleaming slightly from judicious application of gel. Rodney's chin was clean shaven, giving him a sharper, cleaner appearance, and there was a small but entirely tasteful silver and blue earring dangling from his right ear. His clothes were even more of a revelation, and John couldn't stop his gaze travelling up and down over Rodney's body in a way that was frankly admiring. Rodney was wearing a pair of snug fitting, stone-coloured cargo pants that clung to his ass as he walked, and a tight black sleeveless tee shirt revealing a set of broad shoulders and surprisingly toned biceps. The shirt also had a small slit down the front through which peeped a thatch of chest hair. John's gaze travelled back up Rodney's body and came to settle on Rodney's face. There was something about his eyes - they seemed a more intense shade of blue than ever, and there was an odd kind of light in them.

 

"So." Rodney crossed his arms over his chest, and stood there, looking defiant and faintly embarrassed. "Are we going to the beach or what?"

 

John cleared his throat, hoping he didn't look like a total idiot. Several of the botanists were now giving him frankly envious looks and he didn't blame them. True, Rodney could hardly be classed as classically handsome, but what he was, and what John had never expected him to be, was *hot*.

 

"Sure…I…the puddle jumper is…this way," John said, and then he berated himself furiously because Rodney knew where the damn jumpers were. Rodney turned and started walking out of the mess hall and John hesitated, but only because the sight of Rodney's ass filling out all that tight fabric, plump and perfectly round, completely took his breath away. He fought down a moan, and tried not to imagine how it might feel to yank those pants down and slide his hands over that fantastic ass. John took a deep breath and then trotted after Rodney, trying to keep as cool as he knew how. He felt nervous but exhilarated at one and the same time. Rodney was *here*. He'd shown up - and he'd shown up looking like *this*! John caught up with Rodney and put a hand on his shoulder, and Rodney glanced around and gave him a little half-smile. John could have sworn that Rodney leaned in a little, and their footsteps altered so that they were walking in time with each other, which caused a little wave of euphoria to dance around inside John's belly.

 

It was a typically beautiful Atlantean summer day. John parked the jumper on a patch of wild grass leading down towards the beach, and then grabbed a bag containing some blankets and drinks and slung it over his shoulder.

 

"Is this it?" Rodney paused when they got to the beach, and gazed out at the little bay John had brought them to. The sand was a shade of pure white gold, and the sea lapped in azure blue waves against the shore.

 

"Yes. Beautiful isn't it?" John grinned at him.

 

"It's pretty, yes, but the thing is, I've never understood what you're supposed to do on a beach," Rodney muttered. "I mean - do we just sit here all day?"

 

"Kind of." John rolled his eyes.

 

"Sounds boring," Rodney commented.

 

"Quit whining and get your ass down here," John grinned at him. Rodney made a face at him but John noticed that there was a little smile tugging at the corners of his crooked mouth.

 

John threw a couple of blankets onto the sand and lay down on them, stretching out his body and soaking up the sun. Rodney sat down stiffly beside him, looking as if this was one step removed from total torture for him.

 

"I could be working you know," he said.

 

"It'll do you good to take a day off. You're always working," John told him.

 

"There's so much to do. So much about this place we don't know yet. And we're so exposed. The Wraith could turn up at any moment and…."

 

"I know," John interrupted him. "I worry about it too but that's all the more reason to take some time and live, rather than just work yourself into the ground, Rodney."

 

Rodney put his arms around his knees and stared at the sea glumly.

 

"You're not very good at enjoying yourself are you?" John sighed. Rodney shrugged.

 

"The best times I've ever had have been when I'm working," he replied, and there was just something about the way he said it that made John feel a little sad.

 

"Did your folks seriously never take you to the beach as a kid?" he asked. Rodney shook his head.

 

"Nope. I did try and take Jeannie once, after they died," he said. "She was studying really hard for some exams and I thought it would do her good to take a break. I think I was probably just trying to copy what I thought normal families do but it was a disaster."

 

"What happened?"

 

"I thought she was swimming in the sea, and I'd brought along my books so I could work on a paper I was writing, and next thing I knew it was getting late and she'd been gone for a couple of hours - so I went looking for her and found her making out with some Amazonian woman at least ten years older than her some way down the beach."

 

John winced. "Ouch," he muttered.

 

"Yeah." Rodney made a face. "At least it was clear she'd figured out her orientation if nothing else, and once I told this top how old Jeannie was she did at least have the grace to apologise and leave. Jeannie was mad at me though and sulked all the way home."

 

"Sounds like she was just trying to get your attention," John said. "I mean - you did bring your books to the beach and kind of leave her to it."

 

"Thank you, Colonel. I'm very well aware of my failings as both a big brother and a guardian," Rodney snapped.

 

"Can't have been easy though," John soothed. "I mean, how old were you when your parents died?"

 

"Eighteen."

 

"You were just a kid yourself - and you had to take care of Jeannie. That must have been hard."

 

There was silence for a moment. Rodney continued gazing at the sea, looking kind of hunched and miserable, clearly uncomfortable talking about this subject.

 

"My parents died when I was twenty-one," John said softly. He never told anyone about his parents, but he wanted to tell Rodney. Rodney's head swivelled around and those blue eyes of his had that familiar, horrified gaze that John had seen once or twice before, when someone on the expedition had been injured, or had died.

 

"I'm so sorry," he said. "They both died? Was it a car accident?"

 

"Nope. They were both in the military and they were life-bonded so…" John shrugged. "A mission went wrong, one of them was badly injured, and when he died…."

 

"Your parents were life-bonded?" Rodney was gazing at him intently. "I've never understood life-bonding. How does that work? How can two people be so *sure* something is going to be forever that they want to take the risk? Suppose you do it and ten years later you split up?"

 

"You must have to be very sure," John replied. "My dads were sure."

 

"Have you ever been tempted to life-bond?" Rodney asked, his fingers digging into the sand beside the blanket.

 

"No." John shook his head firmly. "Never."

 

"Me neither. My parents weren't exactly poster children for matrimony, let alone life-bonding. Do you have brothers and sisters?"

 

"No. No living relatives, either. After my folks died I was all alone." Rodney gazed at him and John gazed back, feeling something of a connection forming between them. John wasn't sure who’d had the hardest time of it - Rodney, having to take responsibility for his younger sister when he was still not much more than a kid himself, or John, just a few years older when his parents died, finding himself all alone in the world. "You and Jeannie must be close," John said, envying him that.

 

"You'd think," Rodney sighed. "We fell out and I haven't spoken to her for awhile."

 

"What happened?"

 

Rodney shook his head, his face scrunching up, angrily. "She’s smart, Colonel - I mean, really *smart*. Maybe even as smart as me, and that's saying something." John laughed - he loved Rodney's casual, everyday arrogance. Rodney squinted at him, the sun making a halo around his wavy hair. "Well she *is*. I had such high hopes for her - I figured that if I didn't win a Nobel prize then at least she would - there was definitely a Nobel prize with the McKay name on it somewhere out there. Then…she just upped and threw it all away. Fell in love with some top and ran off with her. Abandoned her work and wanted to stay at home all day and be a house-slave. I can't stand subs who do that - think that somehow they've discovered the meaning of life just because they've had some hot sex and then all they want to do is wait on some stupid dumb top hand and foot. No offence."

 

"None taken," John grinned. "I'm not the kind of top who'd find that kind of devotion remotely appealing in any case. But…that was Jeannie's choice."

 

"It was the wrong choice!" Rodney growled.

 

"But still, her choice all the same."

 

Rodney's fingers dug more deeply into the sand beside him.

 

"She doesn't even know I'm here…what I'm doing. Sometimes I see things that would excite the scientist in her so much and it hurts that I can't tell her, or show her. I hadn't expected that when we came here. Missing her so much took me by surprise."

 

John gazed at him, suddenly understanding how so many flashpoints had ignited at the same time to make Rodney go so spectacularly off the rails upon their arrival in Atlantis.

 

"You know," he said, "the thing about beaches is that they're all about having fun - and I don't think you're very good at that, Rodney. So - it's time to get our feet wet."

 

"I have loads of fun!" Rodney bristled. "Just last week when Radek was uncoupling the naquada generator on level four, and...wait a minute - what do you mean get our feet wet?"

 

"Paddling - in the water." John pointed at the sea.

 

"It's a completely alien world, Colonel! There could be all kinds of deadly things in there!" Rodney protested.

 

"There aren't," John told him. "And you've gotta stop calling me colonel, Rodney. This is a date remember?"

 

Rodney actually flushed slightly at that, which was kind of adorable John decided. "Come on, Rodney - shoes off, and roll up your pants," John instructed, kicking off his own boots and starting work on his jeans. Rodney gazed at him suspiciously. "Or I could do it for you," John said, poised to lunge in the direction of Rodney's feet. Rodney batted him away and, grudgingly, removed his boots and socks to reveal two rather pleasant-looking feet. He rolled up his pants and followed John down to the water's edge, complaining all the way.

 

"The sand is really hot - and it feels gritty between my toes. I really can't see how anyone would class this as fun."

 

"Shut up and come here." John reached out a hand, grabbed Rodney's arm, and pulled him into the clear blue water.

 

"Ow! That's freezing!" Rodney complained, the water barely covering the tops of his toes.

 

"Well you were just complaining about the sand being too hot - so this is the perfect way to cool down," John told him. Rodney glared at him but John could see a light starting to shine in those blue eyes. John dragged him a little bit further in, so they were both ankle deep, and then he took a deep breath, loving the way the gentle breeze rifled through his hair, and the sun bathed his shoulders. It felt so good to be out here, relaxing, with Rodney by his side. He glanced sideways to see that Rodney was doing some relaxing of his own. Those broad shoulders of his seemed to be gradually unwinding, and John thought he could see just a glimpse of the man behind the troubled scientist - and maybe, just maybe, a glimmer of the lonely kid who'd had to grow up too soon - the same kid who had spent his recesses under the bleachers to avoid the school bullies. John decided that Rodney definitely hadn't had enough fun in his life - and he also decided that that was about to change. He bent down, trailed his fingers through the water, and then, very deliberately, flicked some at Rodney.

 

"Thank you very much! Now I'm soaked!" Rodney complained, gazing down at his water-spattered shirt. John grinned, and wondered when it would be appropriate to kiss Rodney. He didn't want to move too fast, too soon, but god it was agony being this close to him, with Rodney wearing those damn tight-fitting pants, and looking good enough to eat, and John having to go slow in case he frightened him off. John was so wrapped up in this train of thought that he didn't notice the cascade of water flying his way until it was too late, and his black shirt was drenched and sticking to his skin. He turned, to find Rodney looking at him with eyes that were far too innocent.

 

"Oh, you're *so* gonna have to pay for that," John said, wading forwards and scooping up a big handful of water.

 

Rodney's eyes widened, and he turned tail and hotfooted it out of the sea and back towards the safety of the blankets. John forgot about the water and chased after him, reaching him just before he got to the blankets. He threw himself at Rodney, wrestling him to the ground, and Rodney landed with a soft thwump on the sand, turning to fend John off with his hands. John jumped on top of him and managed to get his legs astride the wriggling, protesting, gasping scientist, and then John watched, in delighted disbelief, as Rodney's face suddenly convulsed, and a low, deep, gurgling sound started to emanate from his throat. Rodney was *giggling*. If he hadn't been sitting here, on top of the man, watching it, he would never have believed that the arrogant and irascible Dr McKay was actually capable of such a sound but here he was, twisting and turning and gurgling beneath him, his hair covered in tiny droplets of sea water and a fair smattering of golden sand. The sound was so infectious that John found himself laughing out loud too, uncontrollably, throwing back his head and roaring with laughter until his belly started to ache. Then, suddenly, they both stopped laughing and everything changed. The atmosphere became electric, charged with emotion, and Rodney went completely still beneath John's thighs. They locked gazes, Rodney's blue eyes growing dark and intense, and they stayed locked like that, completely lost in that moment. Then John reached down, took hold of Rodney's wrists in his hands, and pushed them over Rodney's head, keeping them pinned there, in the warm sand. Rodney didn't say a word - he just gazed up at John, his entire body limp and acquiescent under John's touch.

 

John leaned forward, slowly, oh so slowly, keeping Rodney's hands pressed into the sand above his head. Now there was no distance between them, and John's lips were on Rodney's, and he was opening Rodney's mouth with his tongue, plunging in deep. Rodney didn't taste of coffee, or anything else for that matter - he just tasted *good*, and John devoured him hungrily, like a starving man finally tasting a meal after a long famine. Rodney welcomed him in just as eagerly, exploring John's mouth with his own tongue, and John felt as if white lights were exploding throughout his brain, fizzing and sparkling. This felt unreal. It was what he had wanted to do for so long and now it was actually happening, and it was a million times better than he’d even fantasised.

 

He was sitting astride Rodney McKay, holding him down in the sand and kissing him wildly, their mouths locked. Rodney's body was trembling beneath him, and John felt as if something absolutely crucial to his entire existence had just slotted into place. Kissing had never felt like this before. Kissing had never made every single nerve-ending in his body tingle, had never made him feel like he was losing himself in the person he was with, or as if he could think about nothing else but the sub beneath him. He didn't want to stop kissing Rodney. He wanted to stay kissing him for the rest of his life. Rodney was moaning softly, and John pushed his hands deeper into the sand, asserting a little dominance, wanting Rodney to understand that he was *his* now, that John was claiming him, right here on this beach, demanding Rodney's submission. Rodney seemed to get the message because he relaxed even more, and his body quivered in surrender. John finally came up for breath, and gazed down on Rodney who was gazing back at him with a faintly astonished look in his eyes. John released one of Rodney's wrists but only so that he could gently run his hand down the side of Rodney's face.

 

"Oh god," he whispered. "I've wanted to do that for so long."

 

"Then do it again," Rodney said, craning his neck upwards eagerly. John grinned, and, taking hold of Rodney's face in both his hands, went back in for another deep, claiming kiss. They kissed for what felt like hours, out there on the white sand, beneath the blue sky, Rodney lying on his back in the sand, John sitting astride his waist. They stopped and started again, as if in the grip of something utterly outside their control, and, every time they finished kissing, John tried to release his grip on Rodney, only to find that he couldn't, and he had to kiss him again, and again. Finally, reluctantly, John allowed Rodney to sit up, and they staggered the few feet back to the blankets together. They lay down next to each other, face to face, and just rested there, gazing at each other. Rodney looked completely stupefied and John reached out and traced his fingers over the line of Rodney's thigh, then allowed his hand to slide over Rodney's ass and rest there, on top of the tight cotton fabric. He could feel the round contours of Rodney's firm, plump ass beneath his fingers and it caused his cock to stir, hungrily, in his pants.

 

"God I love your ass," he muttered.

 

"Really?" Rodney looked surprised.

 

"Really." John pulled him in close, and devoured his lips with another kiss. He couldn't get enough of kissing Rodney, and now he'd started he never, ever wanted to stop.

 

They lay there for a long time, just kissing, with John stroking Rodney's ass insistently with his hand the entire time. Finally, hunger drove them to get up and return to the puddle jumper for some food. It was a ten minute journey but somehow it took them over half an hour, as John stopped every few steps to pull Rodney in close for another kiss, unable to keep his hands off him. He had never, ever felt this way about a sub before, had never wanted a sub so much before. He had also never felt such toppy surges before - he was a good top, but it had always been a carefully played game to him before, something to bring pleasure to both him and his sub, but this…this felt real.

 

"Hey - this is all good stuff!" Rodney said, as they unpacked the food John had brought with them. "You got those meat roll things I like!"

 

"Yeah." John shrugged.

 

"This is all the food I like best!" Rodney exclaimed, as he examined the contents of the basket with inquiring fingers. John shrugged.

 

"Well, like you said, I've been sitting with you at meals for a few weeks now. I know what you like."

 

"You were taking note of the things I like to eat?" Rodney frowned and John wondered if he'd done something wrong but then he noticed the slightly amazed look in Rodney's eyes. "Nobody ever wanted to get me into bed *that* much before," he murmured.

 

"This isn't about getting you into bed, Rodney," John said sharply. "This is a whole lot more for me. You do know I'm not playing here, right?"

 

Rodney glanced up, clearly startled by the serious tone of John's voice. "I think I'm starting to see that, yes," he replied, in a quiet tone.

 

"No pressure. I just wanted you to know that it's not a game. It's for real," John told him firmly, because he wanted Rodney to be clear about this from the start. Rodney still looked startled but he nodded, biting his lip slightly, clearly a little confused. John guessed that nobody had ever spoken to him like this before, and he was pleased about that because he didn't want to have to handle the jealousy of knowing that Rodney had had this kind of conversation with any of his previous tops.

 

They ate together, talking quietly, stealing little glances at each other as they did so. After lunch they took a long walk along the seashore, hand in hand, while Rodney held forth on every subject under the sun, going from one subject to another, a study in animated enthusiasm, barely seeming to draw breath, his free hand gesticulating wildly the entire time. John liked listening to Rodney talk, and he only interrupted him in order to draw him in close for a kiss every few sentences, and then afterwards, when he was released, Rodney would take up talking where he'd left off, and John would run his thumb over the back of Rodney's hand, and smile to himself.

 

Every now and then he'd glance at Rodney, and as he did so he realised that slowly, bit by bit, Rodney was starting to let his guard down. John knew it would be a slow process - he wasn't expecting all of Rodney's well constructed walls to come crumbling down at once, but he did think that maybe he'd made a small dent in those carefully guarded defences. Rodney looked different - his lips were slightly swollen from all the kissing, and the sun revealed some golden highlights in his wavy brown hair, but mostly he just looked like he was unwinding after being locked up in a very small cage for a very long time. John liked this little glimpse he was getting of the real Rodney, the one who hid behind the sarcasm. This Rodney, he sensed, was a pretty nice person, still smart and still clueless, but kinder and braver than John guessed he usually allowed anyone to see.

 

"I like seeing this side of you," John interrupted suddenly.

 

"What do you mean?" Rodney frowned.

 

"I mean, I like seeing a glimpse of the real you - the man behind the mask," John told him. Rodney shook his head.

 

"You're the one who wears a mask, John," he replied. It was John's turn to frown. "You pretend not to care about anything - so laidback, so cool. Everyone thinks they know you but you never let them see beneath the surface," Rodney explained. "You're a little darker than people suspect, I think."

 

"And you're a little lighter, I think," John told him. They gazed at each other for a moment, each of them trying to get the measure of the other, and then John ran his thumb over Rodney's swollen lower lip. "I'm taking you as my sub," he said firmly.

 

"Yes," Rodney replied simply, bowing his head slightly.

 

"And you're happy to be taken?" John asked, with a little grin, well aware of the double meaning in the question.

 

"Judging by all this kissing we've been doing…I guess I am, yes," Rodney replied, looking a little bit surprised by that fact. He glanced at John with a question in his eyes, seeking permission to touch him, and John nodded. Rodney put his hand on John's chest, and rested it there. "You're my top now," he said softly. “You have my freely given submission.”

 

They were traditional words, often said to mark the required consenting and cementing of a new relationship, but they'd never made John like this before. He felt a strong wave of possessiveness sweep through him, and he put his hand over Rodney's, where it rested on his chest, and pulled Rodney in close with his other hand for another deep kiss. Rodney was his sub. Rodney was *his* sub. True, he wasn't collared - yet - and they weren't sharing a plate, but it was a start, and, more than that, John knew it was the start of the most important thing in his life.

 

Reluctant to let the day go, they built a makeshift fire on the beach and sat together, wrapped up in a blanket, watching the sun go down. John had one arm clasped tightly, possessively, around Rodney, and after awhile they stopped talking, and Rodney rested his head on John's shoulder, and they just sat there, gazing at the hazy, glowing sky, until long after the sun had set. Only when it was completely dark did they get up and walk back to the puddle jumper, hand in hand.

 

"So, still think the beach is boring?" John asked. Rodney gave a little giggle, and it was a sound that John realised he wanted to hear - a lot - from now on.

 

"It was okay," Rodney replied, and John growled at him for this lukewarm response, and pinched that firm, enticing ass in retaliation. Rodney giggled again and twisted away from him, and John pulled him back and kissed him, hard, to make a point. "All right, better than okay," Rodney conceded when John let him up for air. "Pretty damn good actually," he said, pulling John back in for another kiss.

 

It felt strange to be back under the harsh lights of the city after such a magical day, and they walked in silence through the hallways. John had his arm around Rodney's waist, and he wondered, for the first time ever, how it would feel to put a leash on a sub. He wondered how Rodney would feel about that, and if it was something he'd want too. They came to a halt outside Rodney's quarters, and the scientist looked at him, uncertainly.

 

"Um…so…thanks. And…." He hesitated, and gazed at his feet, then looked up again. "Did you want to come in?" he asked.

 

John shook his head. "No," he said, and then amended that hastily when he saw a worried look flash into Rodney's eyes. "That is - I'd love to, but not tonight. I was thinking though…why don't you come to my quarters tomorrow evening? For dinner. I'll cook."

 

"You cook?" Rodney raised an eyebrow.

 

"Yeah. Pretty well. You?"

 

"Crap at it." Rodney shook his head. "I *eat* well though," he grinned.

 

"I'd noticed!" John rolled his eyes. "Come early - around six. So we have plenty of time because once we've got the eating out of the way, I'd like to explore my new sub's body."

 

Rodney shivered a little at that, and John smiled to himself. He was looking forward to unpeeling some more layers from Rodney's defences, and, most of all, he was *really* looking forward to finally getting his hands on that luscious ass.

 

"Okay. Good," Rodney said, and his voice sounded a little squeaky. John grinned, and leaned in for one final kiss, expertly claiming Rodney's mouth with his own, forceful and demanding, before, reluctantly, forcing himself to release his grip on his new sub, and take a step backwards.

 

"Good night, Rodney," he said softly.

 

Rodney didn't reply. He just stood there, in the doorway, looking completely and utterly dazed.

 

John walked back to his quarters feeling like he was walking on air. The day couldn't have gone better, and after all the long weeks of yearning he felt as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He cruised into his quarters, replaying the sensation of that first kiss and the eager press of Rodney's mouth against his own, over and over again. He took a shower and slid his hands over his cock, imagining how it would feel to feed it between Rodney's lips, to slowly slide into his warm mouth, his hands wrapped in Rodney's wavy hair. He came with a murmur of pleasure, knowing that soon it wouldn't be a fantasy, that soon he'd take his new sub to his bed, and give them both a night they'd never forget.

 

John got out of the shower and dried himself, and then walked back into his room. He gazed at the empty bed and felt a sudden pang of wanting Rodney here, now. He'd had him within touching distance - within *kissing* distance - all day, and now he found he missed him. He'd honestly never felt this way about a sub before, and the highs and lows were new to him. He wasn't sure that Rodney was in love with him - at least not yet - although he hoped that his new sub was well on his way there. He was certainly willing enough, and surely even Rodney couldn't deny that their kisses on the beach had been electric. As for himself, John knew that he was hopelessly, irrevocably, head over heels in love with Rodney. He had been for some time, as Carson had so accurately pointed out, but knowing it and having tangible proof of it, as he had today, were two entirely different things. Before today he hadn't known what it was like to kiss Rodney, to touch Rodney, to hold him, and to claim him, but now he did, and it was so intoxicating that he could think of little else.

 

John sat down on the bed and his gaze caught the little box on the nightstand. He opened it up and looked at the collar inside, stroking the shiny metal. He knew that he wanted to put this on Rodney - one day, when the time was right. He was mindful of the fact that Bates had wanted to put a collar on Rodney though, and he didn't want to rush the moment, in case he screwed it up and his skittish scientist backed off, frightened by the pace. John closed the case and put the collar regretfully back on the nightstand.

 

A thought occurred to him, and he went over to his closet and rummaged around in one of the drawers until he found a silver-framed photograph, and drew it out. The picture showed two men - one dark, one fair - with a small, seven year old kid standing between them, his freckled face screwed up in the sunlight. John carried the photo with him wherever he went but he never put it on display - it was always at the back of a cupboard somewhere, or the bottom of a bag. The loss of his fathers hurt too much; he'd walled off that pain a long time ago and didn't want any reminders of it. He knew that they had loved him, but their deaths had felt like an abandonment and he'd never forgiven them for that. Now though…now he thought he understood them a little better. He knew they'd be happy for him if they were here right now - and he wondered what they'd make of Rodney. Adam would tease the scientist unmercifully he suspected, while Gil would take some time to sit quietly with Rodney, and get to know the real person, to be sure that he was the right sub for his only son. John put the picture on his nightstand, next to the collar. It had been almost twenty years since they'd died, but now, for the first time, he thought he might almost be ready to forgive them.

 


 

Part Nine: The List

 

 

 

John spent the following afternoon preparing for his date with Rodney. He wanted the night to be special, and he gave it a good deal of thought. He fished out his box of toys, and sifted through them, pondering how he wanted to play the evening.

 

He had some soft leather cuffs, which he placed on the nightstand, and there was a flogger made of knotted fur that could stroke a sub to ecstasy within minutes. He let his fingers rest on two cock rings - one metallic, and one leather, and then there were a variety of little clamps and clips.

 

He had a strap and a couple of paddles, and a very nice cock and ball restraint. There was a leg separator, a butt plug, a ball gag…John grinned at that last item. He wondered how someone as vocal as Rodney would react to being denied his voice, and decided that at some point he wanted to find out, but not tonight. Tonight he *wanted* to hear Rodney. He wanted to hear him pant, and moan, and beg, and sigh, and purr with pleasure.

 

John ignored the curled up whip, and a long, thin cane. Those weren't implements for a first date - he was very proficient with the whip, having taught himself how to wield it to excellent effect when he'd dated a young lieutenant a few years back who found the idea of being whipped in the open air, tied to a tree, unbelievably arousing. John had got off on his sub's evident pleasure, and he liked being an expert with the whip, and especially liked the technical aspects of whip play and the responses it coaxed from even the most closed off sub.

 

John pondered the paddle instead, wondering how Rodney's ass would feel, hotly spanked, beneath his fingers. Then there were the nipple clamps - he had two sets - one set mildly pinching, for little more than effect, and the other set meaning business.

 

There was a butt plug, completely new, still in its wrapping - John wondered what it would be like to open Rodney's teasing pink asshole with the tip of the plug, to press it home with his fingers and make Rodney keep it there, perhaps for hours.

 

Then there was bondage. Rodney would look good tied to his bed, face down, his legs spread wide, his head angled to one side, gazing up at John with pleading eyes….

 

All these ideas excited him, but they felt wrong. John wasn't sure why - he'd never been shy about getting out his box of toys before, not even on a first date, but not this time. This time was different. This time was special. John decided not to make any plans. He put the box on the nightstand and resolved to play it by ear.

 

John got dressed in a pair of tight black leather pants and a black shirt, complete with his usual wristbands and thunderbolt earring, and then sat back and waited for Rodney to arrive.

 

This time Rodney wasn't late. There was a knock on the door at precisely six p.m. and John crossed the room to open it, his heart doing a little flip in his chest as he went.

 

Rodney was standing outside looking just as nervous as John felt - and completely edible too. He was wearing a pair of soft black chinos that clung to his ass spectacularly, and a loose vivid-blue silk shirt that made his eyes shine an intense shade of blue to match it. John took one look at him, grabbed him by the arm, pulled him into the room, pushed him up against the wall, and kissed him. Rodney hung there, loose and boneless under John's hands, surrendering utterly and completely to the hungry kiss.

 

"God I've missed you," John told him when he finally allowed Rodney to come up for air.

 

"Really? Well, that's…good. And surprising. But good too. Definitely good," Rodney babbled and John grinned, glad that he wasn't the only one who was nervous.

 

"You look fantastic," John told him. "I meant to tell you that yesterday but I was too distracted by how hot you looked."

 

"Hot?" Rodney was clearly trying to look nonchalant but failing miserably. "Well, I mean, obviously I'm a very handsome man, but I'm not sure I've ever been called hot before."

 

"Oh you're hot," John grinned. "I thought I was going to have to fight off those botanists in the mess hall yesterday when they saw you."

 

"There were botanists in the mess hall yesterday?" Rodney looked surprised. "I only remember you, looking all cool with a mug of coffee."

 

John laughed at that - cool was the last thing he'd felt sitting in the mess hall yesterday morning, convinced Rodney wasn't going to show, but he decided not to tell Rodney that.

 

"What happened to your hair? I noticed you’d done something to it yesterday." John used that comment as an excuse to run his fingers through his sub's wavy locks. They were soft and silky under his touch.

 

"Oh that. I, uh, got Carson to lop a couple of inches off the ends - tidy it up," Rodney admitted, flushing slightly.

 

"You got Carson to do it?" John raised an eyebrow.

 

"Yeah - in the middle of the night." Rodney winced slightly. "I think I have to stop calling on Carson in the middle of the night. He's always so grumpy. Plus, he had Ford with him again. Those two are such a bad combination."

 

"Oh, I don't know. Ford is young and eager to please, and Carson likes to spoil his subs. I suspect they make a good couple," John said, surprised by the news all the same.

 

"They make a terrible couple," Rodney disagreed. "Carson needs someone older and more mature, someone he can talk to. Sleeping with Ford must be like having to permanently restrain an over-excited puppy."

 

John snorted at that, because Rodney kind of had a point.

 

"Anyway, they're not a couple," Rodney rambled on. "They're just playing. Ford has it bad for Teyla, and Carson's just lonely."

 

"Oh." John felt a pang of sympathy for Carson. The doctor had been such a good friend to him during his heartache over Rodney, and he'd never considered that Carson might be looking for a love affair of his own.

 

"So, something smells good. I wanted to bring something with me, like wine or something, but I don't have any, not that I drink much anyway – well, most of the time. Of course when I *do* get drunk it can be pretty spectacular. Chocolates would have worked, flowers seemed stupid, although I don't know, some tops like those kinds of things, but let's be honest I'm never gonna be one of those kinds of subs, and…."

 

"Rodney - shut up and walk over there," John interrupted him.

 

"Over here? Why?" Rodney did as he was told anyway, walking over to the table.

 

"No reason - I just wanted to check out your ass in those pants," John grinned at him.

 

"What's the fascination with my ass?" Rodney wrinkled up his forehead.

 

"You'd need to see it as I do," John grinned. "And probably be a top too, and think of all the fantastic things that can be done to an ass like that."

 

Rodney flushed from his neck all the way up to the roots of his hair. John liked how vulnerable it made him look, and he went over and ran his fingers gently over the back of Rodney's neck, stroking him like a cat. Rodney immediately relaxed beneath his touch, and leaned into him in a way that John was starting to find incredibly endearing.

 

He was unable to resist pulling Rodney in for another deep kiss and then, reluctantly, let go of him because otherwise they'd never get to eat, and he didn't want Rodney passing out on him through low blood sugar just when he'd got him naked.

 

John started serving up their meal while Rodney hopped nervously around his quarters, talking non-stop, very little of it in any way coherent.

 

"So, I sent an email to Radek about the…but Carson can actually cut hair, although he'd deny it…wow, real leather…but no, sunburnt a bit from yesterday…amazing the city is still standing really as he'd cut off all the power and I was out of contact being kissed on a beach and…oh…are these your folks?"

 

John turned to find Rodney looking at the photo he'd put on the nightstand. "Yeah," he nodded.

 

"You look like him - is he the biological?" Rodney asked, pointing at Adam. It was common for same gender couples to hook up with another couple of a different sex. They usually agreed to have two kids - one for each set of couples. How they went about it was up to them - sometimes all four parties would take part in the actual act, so they all felt included, and sometimes it was done by artificial insemination, depending on how the couples in question felt.

 

"Yeah." John smiled, liking the rapt expression on Rodney's face as he gazed at the photo.

 

"You were cute. Well, you still are," Rodney babbled and then he looked stricken, as if he'd said too much.

 

"I'm glad you think so, considering the plans I have for later," John grinned at him.

 

He couldn't resist going over and putting a hand on Rodney's shoulder to calm him down again. There was something so incredibly loveable about how clueless Rodney was - and John was amused by how easily panicked he was as well. He knew the scientist was socially dysfunctional but that didn't faze him at all - he just enjoyed the fact that he knew how to calm Rodney down with a look, or a judicious stroking - and he suspected he'd find some other methods that worked well too.

 

"What's this?" Rodney asked, picking up the box with the collar in it, and fumbling it between his big fingers.

 

"That's not for tonight," John said, smoothly intercepting the box and rescuing it from Rodney's sweaty palms. "But maybe one day," he said softly, putting the box back on the nightstand. "Now, you need to calm down, Rodney."

 

Rodney gazed at him, his blue eyes stricken. "I'm getting stuff wrong," he said. "I know that. Yesterday wasn't so bad because I was pretty sure I didn't like you and nothing was going to happen but then it did, and then you kept kissing me, and now I'm your sub and you want to *explore* me, and I wasn't expecting any of this so I'm totally freaked out and you're *hot* so I have no idea why you've picked me to be all deep and meaningful with when you could be shallow and have a whole harem of subs in your bed."

 

"Ssh," John said, running his thumb gently over Rodney's lower lip. "You're doing fine. You just need to relax. Come and eat - that should help."

 

"I do like to eat," Rodney agreed, looking happier.

 

"So, you came along to the beach yesterday even though you were pretty sure you didn't like me?" John grinned as they sat down at the table. Rodney looked confused.

 

"Is that a bad thing to admit? But you're military and I just assumed it would go wrong or be unpleasant because frankly, that would sum up my love life so far, but then it kept being good, and…nice, and the kissing was hot, and…before I knew it somehow I'd agreed to let you be my top, and I was totally not expecting that. Too much again?" He grabbed some bread and thrust it into his mouth, whole, and starting chewing. John frowned.

 

"No…well, maybe a little," he said. "And you could try slowing down a little - both with the eating and the talking."

 

"Slower. Right. Okay." Rodney said, around his mouthful.

 

John grinned at him. God he loved this man, and that was kind of surprising of and by itself, because he'd never have imagined his ideal partner would be a brilliant scientist completely lacking in social skills. Rodney grew calmer as they ate, and he was duly impressed by John's culinary skills, which was gratifying.

 

"God, this is fantastic! Better than that stuff they serve up in the mess hall, although actually I quite like a lot of that stuff. But this is *good*. How did you learn to cook?"

 

"My dad - Gil - insisted on it. He was big on self-sufficiency," John replied. "Also, it was something we could share. Adam hated cooking and he was such a big personality it was good to have some quiet time alone, just me and Gil, cooking, side by side. I was too small to reach the worktop as a kid so Gil built me a special stool so I could see what I was doing."

 

"Really? Wow. My parents lived on take out. I didn't even know there was any other kind of food for years," Rodney replied, finishing his meal and sitting back with a happy sigh.

 

They talked over coffee for a long time, and the conversation was easy and comfortable now that Rodney's verbal diarrhoea had dried up. They came to a natural pause, and gazed at each other over their empty coffee mugs, and John cleared his throat, feeling his cock shift inside his pants in eager anticipation of what would come next.

 

"Right," Rodney said, flushing again in response to the frankly sexual look that John was giving him. "Okay. It's that time now I think. Right. Um…I should talk about the stuff I did with my previous tops. Oh, and I brought my list." He fumbled around in his pocket, retrieved a folded piece of white paper, and slid it across the table at John.

 

"What's this?" John frowned, taking the piece of paper.

 

"My list," Rodney repeated blankly. "We're…we're negotiating now, right? Agreeing to what kind of stuff we like to do. It's that time of the evening isn't it?"

 

John gazed at him, feeling slightly winded. It was common practice for play partners to negotiate, but this wasn't a sex game as far as John was concerned - and he'd never, ever had a play partner who'd provided him with a *list* before. Although, thinking about it, it was kind of a Rodney thing to do.

 

He picked up the piece of paper and glanced at it. Rodney seemed to have made a neat spreadsheet of all the sexual practices he could think of and then graded them according to whether he'd do them or not, and how he liked them done if he *did* do them. John read through the list until he'd had enough, and then he looked up, and, very slowly, and very purposefully, screwed up the list and threw it into the waste basket.

 

"What?" Rodney protested. "Why did you do that? That's my list!"

 

"Rodney, I can't make love to you using a list," John told him, shaking his head.

 

"But…why not? It's safe sex!" Rodney replied.

 

"Rodney, I'm not taking you as a play partner," John explained. "I want to make love to you, not just fuck you."

 

"There's a difference?" Rodney frowned.

 

John threw his napkin on the table and got up angrily. "Yes there's a difference and you know that. You're just being obtuse!" he growled.

 

"I always negotiate," Rodney said, pushing out his chin obstinately. John felt his heart sink, knowing *that* sign all too well. "All the safe subs do that. Are you an unsafe top, John?"

 

"No I'm damn well not!" John exploded, furious. Rodney looked startled.

 

"Okay, because you're looking kind of unsafe right now," he muttered. John took a deep breath.

 

"I'm just upset. Look, Rodney, I thought I made it clear to you yesterday - you're my sub now, and we're not playing at this. This is the real deal. I told you that yesterday. I told you I wasn't playing."

 

"I don't understand," Rodney said helplessly.

 

"It's simple. I want you, Rodney; body, mind, heart and soul. I don't want any damn list."

 

"Supposing I don't like what you want to do to me," Rodney said suspiciously. "Because I've been there, done that, and it was really unpleasant."

 

"I'm asking you to trust me," John told him.

 

Rodney's eyes clouded over, troubled. "What about a safe word?" he asked. John shook his head and Rodney's eyes widened. "You ask me to trust you and you won't even give me a safe word?"

 

"You don't need a safe word because we aren't playing!" John said desperately, wondering how the hell he could explain this. "If you don't like something I do to you then you can just tell me! It's not a scene, Rodney. It's for real. I want your real responses."

 

Rodney sat there, his shoulders tense and hunched. "I can't do that," he said miserably.

 

"Why not? Because it's too intimate? Because you won't let your guard down?" John pressed. Rodney just shook his head, mutely. John knelt down in front of him, and put his hands on his knees. "What are you so afraid of, Rodney? Letting someone in, letting someone care about you?"

 

"You're asking me to go into this blind. To let you do anything you want."

 

"I'm asking you to give up control - isn't that what being a sub is all about?" John said, stroking Rodney's knees gently. "You give up control and I take it? It's a journey we can both go on together."

 

Rodney gazed at him, shaking his head. "Maybe when I get to know you better," he said. "Maybe we can build up to that? You could start out with the list and…."

 

"No. No, we do this together, from the beginning, feeling our way, or we don't do it at all." John told him firmly.

 

"I don't see what's wrong with just following the list," Rodney snapped.

 

John got up, went over to the waste basket, and fished out the list. "How about this for starters," he said, smoothing it out and putting it on the table, leaning over Rodney's shoulder and pointing. "Anal penetration. You don't do anal penetration? What the hell is that about?"

 

Rodney flushed. "I don't like it. It hurts. I used to see this woman and she had this strap-on…and I hated it. Then there was this guy and…well, I only let him do it once because it was too painful, and I panicked, and it ended badly. There's plenty of other stuff I like though. I give truly spectacular blowjobs if I do say so myself, so my tops don't usually mind that I won't do other stuff. Here, let me show you."

 

He made to get up, but John put a hand on his shoulder and pushed him back down.

 

"I'm sure the blow jobs *are* truly spectacular," he said. "But, Rodney, I'm going to want to make love to that fantastic ass of yours. That's non-negotiable. There is no way I'm going to be able to have that ass so tantalisingly close and not be able to sink myself into it - into *you*. I want to make love to you every which way it's possible - I want to throw you onto your back and look into your eyes when I enter you, and I want to lie behind you and open your ass cheeks and slide into you, slowly and lazily, and I want to put you on your hands and knees and take you from behind, raw, and fast, and hard, until you pass out from pleasure."

 

Rodney stared at him, looking utterly stunned.

 

"If it hurts we can work on that," John told him softly, running his fingers gently up and down Rodney's cheek. "But I suspect it only hurts because you don't trust anyone and that means you never relax. You never *really* let anyone in, Rodney, and this is just symbolic of that. Everything you say screams at people to keep their distance - all the sarcasm, all the snarking. I won't be kept at bay, Rodney. I want you, and I want all of you, and I won't be held back by some goddamn list!"

 

"I can't!" Rodney shook his head.

 

"You can." John took hold of his face, and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. Rodney shivered under his touch, and leaned in towards him, and John wrapped his arms around him and held him tight. "Surrender to me, Rodney," he whispered when the kiss finished. "Have you ever really surrendered to anyone before, or has it always just been a game?"

 

"I don't know. I can't…I've never…."

 

John saw his answer in Rodney's eyes. Rodney was undoubtedly an eager, compliant sub, but he never went outside his comfort zone, and never really submitted to the will of his top. He only gave as much of himself as he needed in order to get off. John empathised with him - he didn't think he'd ever truly taken responsibility for any of his subs before - he'd been playing at it as much as Rodney had, taking what he needed in order to enjoy the sex, but never really taking control. Now he wanted to do that - he wanted to do this for real, and have Rodney come with him on the journey. He knew it wouldn't necessarily be easy, but he suspected it would be all the sweeter for that.

 

"You won't know if you don't try," John said, cradling Rodney's face between his hands. "I think it'll be good - and you can trust me, Rodney, I promise."

 

"I'm not good at trusting people."

 

"I know, and I can understand why, from everything you've told me about your upbringing," John said quietly. Rodney stared at him from frightened blue eyes. "Come on. Come over here. Let's do this together," John said, getting up and taking hold of Rodney's arm, leading him over to the bed. Rodney went, but then stopped before they got there.

 

"I can't," he said again. "I honestly can't. This is never going to work, Colonel. You're asking too much of me!"

 

They stood there, face to face, and then Rodney's face crumpled, and he shook his head, and walked swiftly to the door.

 

"I'll still be here, Rodney," John told him. "If you change your mind."

 

"Why can't you do it my way?" Rodney said, desperately, turning in the doorway.

 

"Because I love you," John told him, and it felt like such a relief to finally get the words out. Rodney's eyes widened, and he looked completely and utterly shocked. "I mean it. I love you and I want to do this right - for both of us - and that means not doing it your way, Rodney."

 

"You love me? How can you love me? When did this…?" Rodney just looked flummoxed.

 

"I've been in love with you for a long time - I just didn't want to spook you. Look, Rodney, I told you - I've been celibate for over a year and I can wait a bit longer. I'll wait for as long as it takes. You're my sub, Rodney, and I'm not giving up on that."

 

Rodney gazed at him blankly, his blue eyes completely at a loss. "I don't understand any of this," he muttered at last.

 

"Then take your time. Get your head around it," John told him calmly. "I won't pressure you but when you come back here, I'll want your complete surrender, Rodney. I'll want to love you and make love to you, to be both your top and your lover. I won't accept anything less - and no list. Just you and me."

 

Rodney shook his head. "I don't think I can give you what you want. You should go and fall in love with someone else," he said.

 

"Too late." John gave a rueful grin. "And I'm not put off that easily. I'm not going anywhere, Rodney. I'm going to be here, waiting until you come to me."

 

Rodney didn't say anything more. He just turned, and walked out of the room, taking John's heart and hopes with him.

 

 

 

~*~

 

 

Rodney returned to his room in a complete daze. He thought he had known what to expect from this evening, and he'd been looking forward to at least some good sex. He didn't expect it to last, but he thought he'd take what was on offer while it was on offer. He'd asked around - discreetly - and nobody had anything negative to say about Sheppard. As far as it was possible to know, he assumed the colonel would be a safe enough top.

 

Rodney had never had a close or lasting relationship - he'd had crushes on people a couple of times, but had never been in love. In fact, his feelings of friendship for Carson and Elizabeth aside, the only person he'd ever loved was his sister. Yet here was John, standing there, saying he loved him, and Rodney didn't know where that had come from.

 

None of his previous tops had been all that enamoured of him. One had simply enjoyed fucking with his mind, and one had found him amusing but too much like hard work. None of them had shown any indication of loving him, and, to be fair, Rodney had never wanted that. His parents were lousy role models for how relationships worked, and, as a result, he had never believed in romantic love. He remembered that picture of John's parents, laughing at the camera, clearly very much in love, and sighed - the colonel obviously had a much rosier view of relationships than he did.

 

Rodney threw himself down on his bed and gazed at the ceiling. On one level he felt flattered - John was a good looking man, and, more than that, he was a popular man - intelligent, likeable, funny and strong. He had it all, and Rodney had no idea what attracted him to an irascible scientist like himself. On another level Rodney was just plain miffed - it had been a long time since he'd had any decent sex and John had looked hot this evening.

 

Rodney closed his eyes and remembered John's long legs, encased in all that firm black leather, and the way he moved around the room, like a caged panther waiting to pounce. He'd wanted to be pounced upon, dammit! He'd wanted to be thrown down onto the bed and very comprehensively mauled if he was honest - but not without the safety net of ultimately being in control of the whole event. Rodney just didn't trust anyone enough to give them that degree of power over him.

 

He'd learned his distrust at his mother's capricious knee, knowing that any sign of affection from her was usually manufactured as part of her ongoing war with their father. His father had been even worse, demanding constant reassurance that Rodney loved him more than his mother, and sulking for weeks on end if Rodney did the slightest thing that made him suspect that wasn't the case. Rodney had never been good at interpreting complex emotional signals, and between the manipulations of his mother, and the emotional demands of his father, he had ended up thoroughly confused. Now he simply didn't trust that anyone might love him for himself - yet, try as he might, he couldn't think what John's ulterior motive might be.

 

What if…what if John was telling the truth? What if the man really was in love with him? What would it be like to surrender to him without the safety net of his list and his safe word? Could Rodney ever bring himself to trust someone that much that he'd just let go, let his guard down, let them in? He didn't think so. It wasn't that he didn't want to, just that he *couldn't*.

 

He hadn't anticipated any of this. He had thought the beach date would be a disaster, and that John would soon lose interest in him, but instead there had been all those hot kisses, hundreds of them, searing his lips and leaving him dazed and confused. Then there had been that impossibly romantic stroll along the beach, hand in hand. For the first time in his life Rodney hadn't tried to over-think the occasion - he'd just gone along with it and allowed himself to be swept up by it. But that was just one day, and Rodney was under no illusions that one day, no matter how romantic, could be the basis for a life-long relationship of the kind that John seemed to be suggesting.

 

Rodney spent a sleepless night, tossing and turning, trying to figure out a way he could have John but not on John's terms, but he didn't come up with a solution. He was just getting dressed the following morning when there was a knock on the door. He opened it and his heart immediately flipped when he saw John standing there, dark hair tousled, smiling at him.

 

"Morning, Rodney." John leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his cheek and Rodney just stared at him, wondering what the hell was going on. John had said he would wait, that there was no pressure - turning up here at the crack of dawn wasn't Rodney's definition of 'no pressure' and he thrust out his jaw belligerently.

 

"If you're here about last night I haven't changed my mind," he snapped.

 

"I'm not." John gave one of those deceptively lazy smiles. "I'm here because today is the first day of your drills, remember?"

 

"What?" Rodney glared at him. He'd completely forgotten about the stupid, hand-to-hand combat drills that the colonel was so intent on putting him through. "Oh. Well…why did you just kiss me?" he demanded.

 

"You're my sub - I haven't seen you since last night, and I was wishing you good morning. You think a kiss isn't appropriate?" John raised an eyebrow.

 

"But…last night…we didn't have sex!" Rodney blurted, because he felt that was somehow central to the whole discussion. John gazed at him steadily.

 

"No, we didn't," he drawled eventually, making it sound like he was talking to an imbecile. "Am I only supposed to be affectionate towards you if you put out?"

 

"Yes! No! Hell, I don't know. I'm confused enough as it is," Rodney grumbled.

 

"Well then let's forget about that and get on with the drills," John said and Rodney wasn't happy about that, either, but at least it got them off the tricky discussion.

 

He ambled down to the practice room beside his top, and John rested his hand on Rodney's shoulder as he always did when they walked anywhere these days. Rodney was still pondering the whole 'you're my sub' comment. True, John had taken him as his sub and Rodney had formally accepted him as his top, but in light of what had happened the previous evening it didn't *feel* like they were sub and top.

 

Major Lorne was waiting for them when they got to the practice room and they got warmed up with some stretches, and then John pointed to the mat.

 

"Okay - we need to figure out what to do if you get captured again," he said. "Like the other day."

 

"The chances of that happening again must be very low," Rodney protested.

 

"But it could happen," John said firmly and there was a look in those hazel eyes of his that said that no matter how obstinate Rodney could be, when John got an idea into his head he could be equally stubborn. Rodney sighed - on this at least he could see that he'd have to give in.

 

"All right. Whatever," he said sulkily.

 

"Okay. Now, Lorne, if you'd like to grab Rodney from behind, one arm across his neck… that's it."

 

Rodney stood there, while Lorne did as he was told, holding Rodney in a pretty secure neck lock. Rodney didn't like the sensation - he could hear Lorne's breathing in his ear and the man's arms were slightly sweaty across his body. Rodney fought down an urge to twist out of the major's grasp, and looked expectantly towards John for further instructions. John was just standing there though, glaring at them, breathing heavily, a frown creasing his forehead, his hands clenched into fists by his side.

 

"Well?" Rodney demanded. "Are you going to show me some fancy footwork or what?"

 

"No," John said, in a tight voice. "This isn't going to work like this. Lorne, take your hands off him. I'll play the part of your attacker, Rodney."

 

"Oh for god's sake! What the hell is wrong…?" Rodney began but then he had a sudden flash of startled realisation; even though the colonel had told Lorne to grab him, he wasn't at all happy to see another top with his arms around Rodney. John was…jealous?

 

John stomped towards him, exchanging places with Lorne, and, standing behind Rodney, slid his arms around him, holding him tight. Rodney's body behaved the way it always did when John got close to him - he went completely limp in his arms, and leaned back into John. He was annoyed with himself, and wished his body didn't betray him like this whenever John was around, but he didn't seem to have any control over himself.

 

John was still breathing heavily but, unlike with Lorne, Rodney *liked* the sound. It made him glaze over and lean back even more. John's arms tightened around Rodney, and they were now pressed much closer together than was strictly necessary. Rodney could feel the hard outline of the colonel's body against his back, and he loved the way it felt to be captured, imprisoned within John's arms like this.

 

"Okay," John said, in a low tone, directly into his ear. "When I say the word, I want you to come towards us, Lorne. Rodney, don't do anything until I tell you." Rodney's cock started to stir in his pants at the sound of his top's voice, so close and commanding.

 

"No, no, no. This isn't going to work either!" Rodney said, trying to elbow his way out of John's grasp. John released him.

 

"Why the hell not?" he demanded.

 

"For a very similar reason to why it didn't work for you when Lorne was playing at being my attacker," Rodney growled, glancing down at his pants which were ever so slightly tented at the front. John glanced down too, and a look of realisation flashed into his eyes. Lorne, standing behind them, didn't see any of this.

 

"Oh," John muttered.

 

"Yes. Well." Rodney flushed, feeling embarrassed. "Is there any other way of doing this?"

 

"Can you think of one?" John shrugged. Rodney shrugged back. "Okay then," John said, in a falsely bright tone. "Let's leave that one and try something else. How about…what to do if someone comes at you with a knife?"

 

The rest of the drill session passed without incident and Rodney took a shower, got changed, and set off for his lab. He was surprised, at noon, when John arrived in the lab, and settled his long body into one of the chairs, swinging on it aimlessly.

 

"Were you waiting for something, Colonel?" Rodney asked tetchily, still far too confused by everything that was happening to be polite.

 

"You. It's lunchtime," John told him with that lazy smile of his.

 

"I'm busy," Rodney said tersely, because it was freaking him out that John was behaving just like he had before Rodney had refused to sleep with him.

 

"Not too busy to eat," John said. "You like eating."

 

"I know, but right now I'm busy."

 

"Then finish up and we can have lunch."

 

Rodney glanced up at the slight note of steel in the colonel's voice. John's hazel eyes glowed in that deceptively good humoured way but he clearly had no intention of going anywhere.

 

"Hypoglycaemic remember?" John told him.

 

"And I've managed the condition perfectly well for the past 37 or so years, Colonel," Rodney snapped at him. "Who appointed you as my personal health supervisor anyway?"

 

John shrugged. "You did. A couple of days ago. On the beach," he said softly. Rodney gazed at him, stricken. John *meant* it. He really was that kind of top - concerned, caring, but kind of no-nonsense too. Rodney wondered what he'd do if Rodney told him where to go…but then he remembered that punishment session and decided he didn't want to risk it. Not that he thought John would throw him over his knee right here and now when there were people around but… the truth was he didn't know John well enough to know *what* he'd do. With a pained sigh, Rodney finished up and allowed his top to escort him to the mess hall.

 

Of course he could just repudiate him, Rodney thought to himself a few days later, as John once again made one of his small but serious suggestions - this time that Rodney was working too late and should leave the lab and go to bed.

 

"I haven't finished," Rodney told him curtly, toying with the idea of repudiation. All he had to do was tell John their arrangement was over, that he wasn't his sub any more, and they could put a stop to all this…and yet…something was stopping him from doing that.

 

"You're beat. You've been working on this for eighteen hours solid and you need some rest," John told him firmly.

 

"It's my job," Rodney snapped at him. The lab was empty so there was no danger of anyone overhearing them. Rodney wasn't sure where they stood on that anyway. He'd accepted John as his top but they weren't exactly at the sharing a plate stage yet so nobody knew about it. Rodney hadn't even told Carson - he was too confused by the whole not-having-sex thing and he was pretty sure he knew what Carson's advice on *that* would be.

 

"It'll still be there tomorrow. We're not under attack or anything. This can wait," John said, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. It was the ultimate in mixed messages, Rodney decided. John pretending to be lazily unconcerned, but the crossed arms making it clear he meant what he was saying.

 

"We should maybe have a talk about how this works between us," Rodney said, gesturing with his fingers back and forth between the two of them. "You see, I've never had a top that really cared what I ate, or what time I got to bed before. Mostly they only cared that I sucked them off or genuflected appropriately at their feet. You, on the other hand, seem not to care that I'm not sucking you off, but you *do* seem to care when I work too hard."

 

"Ah - so you admit you're working too hard," John said, with a grin. Rodney fought down a sigh of exasperation. "Rodney - I told you, I love you," John said. "I care about you and I've seen how you don't always take very good care of yourself. You collapsed on me just a few weeks ago remember?"

 

Rodney thrust his jaw out. "There were circumstances there that…."

 

"I know." John nodded. "But I'm not sure how much those circumstances have changed, Rodney. I think you're doing better than you were - you sure as hell *look* better." His eyes travelled appreciatively over Rodney's body in a way that made Rodney's cock start to harden. "But I don't think you're completely out of the woods yet, and I want to make sure you stay on track. A lot has happened to you these past couple of months and, now I'm your top, I want to make sure you don't backslide."

 

"Are you honestly telling me that you care what I eat and what time I get to bed? Because it seems to me that this is more of a control thing," Rodney muttered.

 

John's body language changed completely at that - and Rodney knew he'd just pissed him off. John pushed himself away from the wall and walked over to where Rodney was standing.

 

"I know you're not used to someone caring about you so I'm going to let that remark pass - this time," John told him, in a low, ominous tone. "But don't ever talk to me like that again. We haven't talked about discipline yet, but we can, if you really want."

 

Rodney stared at him, a little shaken by the sincerity in his top's voice. John's expression softened, and he reached out an unexpected arm, looped it around Rodney's neck, pulled him close, and kissed him gently on the lips.

 

"You have to get used to having someone around, Rodney," he said softly. "You're not on your own any more."

 

"So you seriously didn't come here for a blowjob?" Rodney muttered into John's neck. John laughed.

 

"No. I don't care how truly spectacular they are. I want your heart, Rodney, and I'll see that in

your eyes when I take you for the first time. Not that I'm not looking forward to the blowjobs too but there's plenty of time for that." He kissed Rodney again, and then glanced around the lab. "Take ten minutes to finish up and then get some rest, Rodney," he said, before walking towards the door.

 

"Wait - you're not going to hang around to make sure I do?" Rodney asked, surprised.

 

John shook his head. "Nope. I trust you," he replied, and the little curving grin on his face made it clear that he was hoping that one day Rodney would return the favour.

 

Rodney thought about this for the next ten minutes. If John *had* hung around and made a big deal out of it then Rodney knew he'd have fought him on the subject tooth and nail - and won - but the fact that John had just made his point and left struck a chord with him somehow.

 

He *was* feeling kind of tired, and it did feel nice to have someone who cared about him and worried if he worked himself into the ground, so, ten minutes later, he packed up his stuff and left the lab. He just hoped that John wasn't lurking anywhere, watching him, because he really didn't want him to know that he was obeying his orders.

 

A week later, Rodney found himself offworld with the team, on the trail of another ZPM. There was some kind of power-dampening field that meant they had to land the puddle jumper and walk for a couple of days towards the energy signal.

 

Rodney was in two minds about the whole expedition. On the one hand, he was excited by any kind of mission that had the word 'ZPM' in it. On the other hand, the idea of a two day trek through the planet of unending rainfall didn't appeal to him in the slightest. And then there was the fact that he'd be spending even more time than usual with his erstwhile top, about whom he had some very conflicting emotions….

 

Rodney shouldered his backpack with a sigh as they set off. John wasn't an easy man to avoid but at least when Rodney was working he could forget about the dilemma in his personal life. In the safety of his lab, and his quarters, he was quite resolute about the fact that he would never agree to John's terms, but when he was around the actual man himself, his body seemed to have ideas of its own, and he was finding it increasingly hard to control his responses to the colonel.

 

Today was no different. Rodney found himself walking behind Sheppard, his gaze fixed on the colonel's ass in his BDUs, painfully aware that even straggling along like this, rain pouring down his waterproof cape and trickling into his eyes, he was semi-erect.

 

It was a miserable trek, and the rain never let up once - and neither did Rodney's litany of complaints, which he kept up continuously as he got more and more damp and cold. John remained ridiculously cheerful throughout though, and every now and then he'd turn and give Rodney what was probably supposed to be an encouraging smile. Rodney could barely bring himself to glower back in return.

 

They decided to camp for the night as dusk fell. They had brought two small, lightweight tents with them, and found some shelter beneath some tall trees which kept the worst of the rain off them.

 

"We have to sleep in those?" Rodney grumbled, surveying the small tents. "The ground is bumpy! I'll wake up with backache and be unable to walk tomorrow - that's if I get any sleep at all because I'm damp and it's cold and I can never get to sleep if my feet are cold. I've always hated camping anyway. It's uncomfortable, and there are bugs."

 

"Is there anything you haven't whined about today?" Ford snapped, looking close to losing his temper.

 

"That's enough." John stepped between them with one of those calm smiles of his, with just a hint of steel beneath the surface. "I always thought camping was kind of fun," he added, radiating a kind of insane good humour that was hard to resist, and which succeeded in diffusing the situation. "And I think the tents look kind of cosy."

 

Rodney rolled his eyes but didn't say anything more, and Ford just glared at him and turned away. They ate, huddled together under a shelter Teyla had constructed from their waterproof capes, and then there was nothing else to do but go to bed.

 

"I'll share with Teyla," Ford said eagerly, before anyone else got a chance to put in a request for a sleeping partner. "Sorry, Colonel," he grinned, flashing John a rueful smile and grimacing slightly in Rodney's direction when he thought the scientist wasn't looking. Rodney felt his mouth settle into a crooked line, and his jaw jut out. Much as he was used to these kinds of casual jibes, a lifetime of familiarity with them didn't make them any more pleasant to receive.

 

"Sounds good to me," John replied amiably, putting a hand on Rodney's shoulder and squeezing. Ford looked a little surprised but he was so eager to get some alone time with Teyla that he just laughed, and threw himself into the tent. Rodney glowered after him. He wondered whether Teyla would ever take pity on Ford and put him out of his misery but somehow he doubted it. There was something cool and aloof about the Athosian woman, and he suspected she was the kind of top who chose her subs very carefully indeed.

 

Rodney realised that John was watching him with amused hazel eyes, and now, suddenly, he woke up to the fact that he was about to spend an entire night crushed up at very close quarters with a man he had spent the past couple of weeks avoiding, wherever possible. John opened the tent and pulled the flap aside, and, with a sigh, Rodney trudged over and got in.

 

 

The tents were tiny - just enough room for two people to sleep side by side. Rodney unpacked his bedroll and sat down on top of it to remove his boots. There was no point getting completely undressed, so he just loosened his belt, took off his jacket, and unfurled his bedroll. John slid in beside him and zipped up the tent.

 

"I'm sorry about this," Rodney told him. "I mean…obviously it's awkward."

 

"Why?" John took off his jacket and hung it from the roof of the tent to dry out, then toed off his boots and slid into his bedroll.

 

"Well, because…you know…" Rodney floundered. "I'll put my pack down the middle so we don't have to get that close." He put his backpack in place, and then scooted over as far as possible towards the edge of the tent.

 

John smiled at him, and then leaned over, removed the backpack, and slung it down by Rodney's feet. Then he reached out, put one arm around Rodney, and pulled him back against him so they were snuggling close together in the small tent.

 

"Uhh…" Rodney said.

 

"Relax," John told him. "You're my sub. I want to hold you."

 

Rodney lay there, blinking. Truth was, being held by John was extremely nice, and his body didn't seem to need much ordering to relax - it was already melting back against John the way it always did when the colonel got close. He felt John's lips against the back of his neck, bestowing a fond little kiss, and sighed.

 

"I'm not having sex with you," he said, in case John had misinterpreted that sigh as a sign of weakness.

 

"I know. Apart from anything else I doubt you brought your list along," John said, a definite note of amusement in his voice.

 

"Ha ha," Rodney responded, mirthlessly. John laughed into his ear, and then kissed him on the back of his neck again.

 

"I'm looking forward to just holding you all night," John told him. "Feels good." He squeezed his arm around Rodney, and pulled him in even closer. Rodney sighed again, and closed his eyes. It did, definitely, feel good.

 

Despite his dire prognostications that he wouldn't get any sleep, he actually slept like a log - better than he ever slept in his own bed back on Atlantis, and he woke, around dawn, to find himself lying with his head on John's chest, and his arms wrapped around his top's body. He blinked, trying to figure out where he was, and then he remembered, and came to. He hoped John was asleep and hadn't noticed that his sub was lying almost on top of him, in a pose of abandoned surrender, and he started to move but froze when he felt John's hands ghost gently over his back. He glanced up, and saw the flash of John's eyes and teeth in the dim morning light.

 

"Hey - you're awake." John moved his hand up and wrapped it in his hair, stroking softly. Rodney wanted to tear himself away but it felt too warm and too good, and, with a whimper, he let his head drop onto John's chest again. They rested there for awhile, and then John's hand went lower, dipping down the back of Rodney's pants and covering his ass. Rodney's cock, already semi-hard, perked up even more.

 

"One day, when you're ready, I'm going to undress you - very slowly," John murmured into his ear. Rodney went quite still, all his senses flaring into life at the promise in John's words. "Not until then though - I want to savour the moment," John told him, and his hand began to slowly, rhythmically, stroke Rodney's bottom. "There are so many things I want to do to you," John whispered. "So many things I know you'll enjoy - and maybe even a few you won't enjoy, but I'll make you submit to them just because it'll be so sweet to see the look of surrender in your eyes. I think you'll get off on that, once you give yourself up to it. I think it'll make you come harder than you've ever come in your life before, but first you need to learn to let go a little."

 

Rodney swallowed down hard, his entire body trembling in response to his top's words. The stroking was so seductive, and now John was cupping his hand around one of his butt cheeks, and kneading it. Rodney bit down a little whimper.

 

"I bet you look beautiful when you surrender, Rodney," John was whispering. "I bet you shiver and shake and yell and scream - I don't want you to keep anything in. I like the idea of how responsive you'll be when I slide my tongue into your ass.

 

Rodney moaned, and pressed himself against John. "Not now though," John told him. "Not here. When you're ready. When you trust me."

 

Rodney raised his head and looked at John in the half-light. John grinned at him, his teeth flashing again.

 

"God you're good," Rodney sighed. "And evil."

 

"I try my best," John grinned at him. "Now, roll over and lie on your side, facing me."

 

"Why?" Rodney asked suspiciously.

 

"Because I want to kiss you, and I believe we've established that kissing is one of the things you'll do without me having to refer to the list," John said, moving his body so that Rodney rolled onto his side next to him, and they were lying there, face to face. Then John reached out, stroked Rodney's cheek, and pulled him in for a kiss.

 

Kissing shouldn't really be this good, Rodney thought to himself. He'd never really seen the appeal of it all that much before - it was just something that happened as part of sex. John though, seemed to enjoy kissing without anything else happening at all, and Rodney was starting to get a subtle appreciation for that himself.

 

When John was kissing him he lost all sense of himself - there wasn't some small section of his brain working overtime pondering some equation, or wondering if his top was getting bored with him - or whether he was getting bored with his top…with John all he could think about was being kissed. John's mouth was always warm and hungry, and his kisses were territorial, claiming, without being overly aggressive. His arms slipped around Rodney's shoulders and pulled him in closer, kissing him deeply, and Rodney gave himself up entirely to the sensation.

 

Rodney lost track of time as he was kissed more forcefully and comprehensively than he'd ever been kissed in his life, and he really did think he would be quite content to lie here forever, just being kissed by John.

 

A noise outside startled them, and before Rodney knew what was happening John had pushed him against the wall of the tent.

 

"Keep still and don't move," he hissed, throwing himself silently towards the entrance to the tent and unzipping it cautiously. His gun seemed to have miraculously appeared in his hand, and he slid out into the grey world outside. Rodney untangled himself from his bedroll and followed him out, just in time to see John wing off a shot into the distance.

 

"What was that?" Rodney asked, panicked. John turned, an angry look on his face.

 

"Some kind of wild animal - a cross between a bear and a wolf by the look of it - and I thought I told you to keep still and don't move?"

 

"You could have been in danger," Rodney replied, his jaw jutting out. "And nobody ever kissed me like that before so I want to make sure you stay alive to kiss me some more."

 

John's angry expression turned into one of amused exasperation and at that moment Teyla appeared, half-dressed, sticks at the ready.

 

"I heard gunfire," she said.

 

"Just a wolf thing - but it's light so we should get moving," John told her. She nodded and disappeared back into the tent.

 

"You and I really need to talk about this whole 'doing what you're told on missions' thing," John told Rodney, as they returned to their own tent.

 

"Well, while we're at it we could also talk about your insane fixation with unquestioning obedience," Rodney muttered, feeling a wave of annoyance that had little to do with their current situation and more to do with his growing sense of sexual frustration.

 

"What is it with you and doing the exact opposite of whatever I tell you to?" John replied as they went back into the tent and started pulling on their boots.

 

"I'm just saying, if it weren't for you we could be having hot sex. Lots of it," Rodney snapped, hopping around to try and get his feet into his still damp boots. They seemed to have shrunk overnight.

 

"Ditto," John replied, sitting down and tying up his own bootlaces, only with more finesse.

 

Rodney stumbled, then fell over John's backpack and landed beside him, gazing up at him miserably.

 

"Do you think this is just going to come down to which one of us is the most stubborn?" he sighed.

 

John smiled at him, and ran his thumb over Rodney's lower lip - a gesture that Rodney was starting to become familiar with.

 

"No, I don't," he said. "This isn't about either of us being stubborn - it's about you learning to trust me, and I think you will, one day - and I'm happy to wait until that happens."

 

Rodney gazed at him, lost for words. John was so sure of himself - he seemed to think this was so inevitable, and he gave no sign at all that it was remotely likely he'd ever give in. They finished dressing, packed up the tent, and got moving. Rodney followed on behind John, just as he had the previous day, only today it was even worse because he'd just spent a whole night wrapped up in his top's arms and now he wanted more.

 

They found a ZPM - but it belonged to a group of children who needed it as a defence against the Wraith so they returned home empty-handed, once more. Rodney was unsettled by the whole experience, and on their first night back he lay in his bed, unable to sleep, just remembering how it had felt to be held in John's arms.

 

He tossed and turned for hours, and then, eventually, gave up and walked furiously down the hallway to John's quarters. He thumped on the door and John opened it, blearily, several seconds later. He was only wearing a pair of boxers, and Rodney paused, all memory of why he was here temporarily vanishing from his brain as he took in the sight of a nearly naked John Sheppard. He'd seen glimpses of John's body before, clad only in a towel, some months previously, but that had been before the man became his top. Now…Rodney licked his suddenly dry lips as his gaze wandered over a lean, washboard stomach, and a slim but tautly muscled upper body, with a fine covering of dark chest hair.

 

"Is there an emergency?" John's eyes were glinting with amusement, and that was enough to make Rodney tear his gaze away.

 

"Yes! No! I'm very angry with you!" Rodney said, pushing past him into the room. When he turned, that lazy grin was back on John's face. "I'm your sub. You can't seriously tell me you don't want some sexual favours," he growled.

 

John gazed at him searchingly. "You know what I want," he said.

 

"Well, leaving that aside, we could at least be having some kind of sex in the meantime," Rodney told him.

 

"Just you, me and your list?" John raised an eyebrow. "I don't do threesomes."

 

"You're an insane control freak!"

 

"So are you."

 

"I'm just being safe! You're the one who wants total submission to his every whim!"

 

"Hello! Top!" John shrugged, grinning.

 

Rodney gazed at him, helplessly. Then he went over to John, pressed himself against him, and kissed him. John wrapped his hands around Rodney's body and held him tight, returning the kiss hungrily.

 

"Let me suck you," Rodney whispered throatily when the kiss finished. "Let me show you how good it can be if we do things my way." He started to get down on his knees, only to find that John had a tight grip on his elbows.

 

"No," John growled.

 

"Oh come on. You want it." Rodney pushed his hips forward and found John's hard cock poking through his boxer shorts. "You can't deny you want it," Rodney purred, his hand going southwards. John caught it before it got there.

 

"No," he said again, firmly.

 

"For god's sake!" Rodney yelled, angry all over again. "You can't be serious. You have to want more than just kissing and cuddling!"

 

"I do," John agreed. "But I don't just want more - I want everything, and until that's what you're prepared to give me then I'll wait, thank you."

 

Rodney gazed at him, helplessly. John reached out, and pulled him into an embrace.

 

"You know, the kissing and cuddling are pretty nice," he murmured into Rodney's ear, his hands gently stroking Rodney's back, soothing him.

 

"I hate you," Rodney told him, relaxing helplessly into the embrace.

 

"Yeah. I know." John pressed a kiss to the side of Rodney's face. "Now, if you want to spend the night here, with me just holding you, like I did in the tent, then I will. You only had to come and ask - the ranting and raving weren't necessary."

 

"What? I…" Rodney drew back. "I did not come here for that!" he snapped, angry and startled at being so easily read. How could John possibly have known?

 

"Okay then." John pushed him away. "Then we're done. Goodnight, Rodney." He took hold of Rodney's face, kissed his forehead, and then led him firmly to the door and pushed him out into the hallway. "You can keep on lying to yourself, Rodney but don't lie to me," he said, and then he thumped the door control and the door slid shut.

 

Rodney stayed looking at the shut door for a few minutes, wondering what to do. He thought of John, getting into bed again, and longed to crawl in beside him, and just lie there next to him for the remainder of the night, but in order to do that he'd have to admit that was why he'd come here tonight. Why was it easier to come here and ask for sex than it was to ask for company and closeness, he wondered to himself? Why was it easier for this to be about sex than for it to be about love?

 

Rodney hunched his shoulders and walked away, disconsolately, back to his room. He got into bed but didn't sleep. He didn't expect to.

 

 


 

Part Ten: Trust

 

The next few days were no better. Rodney found that even work wasn't the distraction it had once been. Now he couldn't concentrate on anything but thoughts of John. They went on another mission and Rodney relished the time they spent together, just the two of them, bickering away at every opportunity, every slightest accidental touch red hot and electric.

 

Rodney didn't know how much longer this could continue. He felt like he was burning up and his brain, usually so good at providing him with solutions, was useless in this situation. They met a primitive race called the Genii, who turned out not to be as primitive (or as friendly) as they'd first thought, and John saved their lives with some forward thinking that involved two cloaked puddle jumpers coming to their rescue in the nick of time.

 

"Hey, you could have let us in on your whole secret rescue plan, Colonel," Ford groused with a grin as they returned home. "I was starting to wonder if I'd have to panic for a moment there."

 

"Oh I knew the Colonel had something up his sleeve," Rodney said smugly.

 

"Really?" John raised an eyebrow. "So you're saying you always trust me to save our asses?"

 

Rodney shrugged. "Well, you do seem to have been making a habit of it lately."

 

John smiled and shook his head, then he put his hand on Rodney's arm and Rodney felt a familiar surge of electricity at the touch. "So, you trust me with your life but not your heart?" he murmured in Rodney's ear.

 

Rodney froze, but John just gave him a meaningful look and then strode away. Rodney gazed after him, stricken. John had a point. Rodney *did* trust him to get them out of difficult situations. He wasn't exactly a slouch himself when it came to rescuing their collective asses, but John did it calmly, with much less fanfare, and there was something reassuring about that. Rodney doubted that his own more volatile behaviour reassured the team much, even despite his obvious brilliance, but John always kept his cool and pulled them out of one scrape after another, with a kind of lazy efficiency that belied the effort that was involved. Rodney had started, slowly, and without realising it, to trust that John would take care of them, and that surprised him of and by itself.

 

Trust. Everything always boiled down to this issue of trust that John kept going on about. Rodney returned to his lab but his mind wasn't on his work. He couldn't get John's words out of his head. If he trusted the man to save his life, why couldn't he trust him to be a safe top? Even as he thought that, Rodney knew that being a safe top wasn't the real issue here. John Sheppard was no Bates - he wasn't pressurising Rodney, or trying to blackmail him into his bed. He was just asking Rodney to let go, and throw himself into something on blind trust alone - and Rodney was hanging on as tightly as he knew how to all the defences he'd built up around himself a very long time ago. If he let John through then he'd have nothing to protect himself with, and John was asking him to trust that he wouldn't need any protection, and that was the hardest thing of all.

 

"I can't do it," Rodney murmured to himself.

 

"What cannot be done?" Radek asked, passing by and glancing at Rodney's work screen. "McKay!" he exclaimed, pointing at the screen. There was a shuddering sound and the lights went off in the lab, and, too late, Rodney realised that he wasn't paying attention to the experiment he was running on the city's power supply.

 

"What have you done? Now we must repair!" Radek was exclaiming.

 

"It won't take long," Rodney bristled, hating the fact he'd messed up. "I'll just…" he fumbled around in the dark and managed to get the emergency power online.

 

"You were not concentrating," Radek hissed to him in a low tone. "That is how this happened. You have not been concentrating for days now. It's dangerous."

 

"Nonsense. Of course I've been concentrating!" Rodney snapped, glancing around the room, wondering just how transparent he'd been if Radek had noticed his behaviour. Radek put a warning hand on his arm.

 

"No. You have not. Now, your mind is elsewhere, and you must sort this out before you touch the systems again, yes?"

 

Rodney glared at him. "Oh please. I can do this stuff in my sleep!" he growled.

 

"Well that is maybe the problem," Radek replied. "You do not look to me as if you have been sleeping very much lately, hmm? You should see Dr Beckett."

 

"There's nothing wrong with me!" Rodney protested, because the last thing he wanted was Carson poking his nose in and offering him unwanted advice.

 

"Go and see him, or…or I will tell my Lady Elizabeth that you are not fit to work at the moment," Radek said, flushing as he said that, clearly a little bit scared to be issuing ultimatums to his boss - especially as that boss was Rodney. Rodney gazed at him, aghast. "I mean it," Radek said, more firmly this time. "You are distracted, and next time it could be a more volatile system that you screw up."

 

"I don't screw up," Rodney said, and at that moment the emergency lighting flickered, belying his protest. Radek raised an eyebrow. Rodney sighed. "Okay. Fine," he muttered. "I'll go and see Carson."

 

He left the lab, feeling irritated with Radek and angry with himself for letting his personal situation get in the way of his work. This couldn't go on! He was exhausted having this hanging over him the entire time. John, on the other hand, seemed completely at peace with the whole thing. He was wandering around as fresh as a daisy, and seemed happy to just wait until Rodney figured out what to do. The trouble was that Rodney didn't have a clue what to do.

 

Rodney returned to his quarters. He took a shower, ignoring how his cock kept trying to rise up every time he thought of John. He wasn't going to pander to it - he was trying to *forget* about the whole John situation and he didn't think masturbating to fantasies about the colonel was really going to help him with that.

 

Afterwards he tried to take a nap, but the minute he closed his eyes his brain started working overtime, and all he could think about was the unresolved situation with his top. Finally he gave up, and, exasperated, he pulled on some clothes and stomped off to the infirmary.

 

"Carson, give me some sleeping tablets," he ordered imperiously upon his arrival. Carson glanced up, startled.

 

"You're having trouble sleeping, Rodney?" he queried. Rodney rolled his eyes.

 

"No, I want the tablets because I have a cold," he said sarcastically. "Yes I'm having trouble sleeping, Carson! Now hand them over." He clicked his fingers, hoping that he could steamroller Carson into giving them to him without asking questions but really, he was insane if he thought that was ever going to happen.

 

Carson just sat back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest. "I don't think so, do you, laddie?" he said. "Now come and sit down and tell me what's going on, and then we'll decide about the tablets."

 

"Nothing's going on. I just can't sleep," Rodney growled.

 

"Aye, and last time you couldn't sleep you ended up spinning out of control and the entire base suffered for it - and so did you. So, I repeat, come and sit down over here and tell me what's going on," Carson said firmly. Rodney glared at him.

 

"God I hate tops," he snapped, and then he turned on his heel and walked out of the infirmary.

 

He returned to his room, agitated, unable to calm himself down. He felt like he was being boxed into a corner, first by Radek, and then by Carson. Dammit, he was perfectly capable of doing his job! He needed his job! He needed somewhere to be able to escape to in his head - although he had to admit that lately not even his work was providing him with the distraction he needed, as thoughts of John permeated his every waking moment. And in his current state of insomnia that pretty much meant every single second of his life.

 

Rodney sat down at his table, and gazed at the wall. Things had been so difficult since they'd arrived in the Pegasus Galaxy. He knew they were all worried about him, knew that his track record of late hadn't been exactly great. He was up and down, and all over the place, and he couldn't exactly blame Radek for threatening to speak to Elizabeth. After that series of spectacular public screw ups and resulting punishments they must all be wondering when the next Rodney McKay explosion would come. It was irritating because he'd been feeling so much better of late and had no intention of screwing up again.

 

Rodney got up, and paced around the room. It was getting late, and it was dark outside. He went over to the window and opened it. He had grown to love the sound of the ocean since arriving here. He stared out into the inky night sky, and recalled the sensation of lying on a warm sandy beach with John Sheppard sitting astride him, his handsome face outlined against the blue sky, the sun shining in his tousled black hair, surrounding him in a halo of light. The light summer breeze had caught and billowed in John's shirt, revealing a portion of hairy chest and stomach. Rodney swallowed convulsively as he remembered how John had held his arms above his head and kissed him, and how that had made his entire body tingle with excitement.

 

John Sheppard was a good man, everyone said that. True, Rodney could see a glimpse of something dark inside the man, but that seemed to spring from his need to protect and it didn't scare Rodney - in fact it gave the colonel an attractive edge, something that stopped him from being too impossibly perfect. He was smart, handsome, witty, popular…and he was in love with Rodney. He'd said it. Rodney still couldn't wrap his head around *that*. Some part of him wondered if it was a kind of cosmic joke, and yet he couldn't doubt the colonel's sincerity. John Sheppard loved him, for whatever reason, and was Rodney really going to turn down that kind of love just because he was too afraid to trust?

 

When had anyone ever loved him before, let alone someone like John Sheppard? His love life to date had been a disaster, and he'd developed extremely low expectations as a result. The idea of someone like John Sheppard loving him had just never factored into his thoughts before but was that any reason to be suspicious of the man?

 

Rodney was trembling as he got up, and walked towards the door. He had never trusted anyone in his life, and he felt as vulnerable as a turtle without its shell, naked and exposed.

 

He walked slowly down the hallway, and found himself outside John's door. He took a deep breath, knocked, and then waited…but there was no reply. John wasn't there.

 

Rodney gave a little groan, partly relief and partly disappointment, and rested his head against the door. To his surprise, it started to slide open. Rodney frowned - all the doors were keyed to respond only to their occupant's DNA. He looked inside, but the room seemed to be completely empty.

 

"John?" He stepped into the room and the door slid silently shut behind him. Rodney gazed around the room but there was no sign of the colonel. The room was neat - the bed made, no clutter, everything tidied away - it was a little different to the mess in his own quarters.

 

Rodney walked over to the nightstand, and looked at the picture of John's parents again, his fingers trembling as he reached out to touch the glass frame. They looked so happy and in love. John knew that kind of love existed - that's why he believed that he and Rodney could have it too. Rodney had no such belief - this was just another thing that John was asking him to take on trust.

 

Rodney felt a cold sweat rise to the surface of his skin. Supposing he got this wrong? Supposing he wasn't what John wanted him to be, and it all ended badly?

 

He found himself walking back over to the door, and he hung there, in the doorway, arms outstretched as he fought his impulse to flee. He stayed there for several minutes, getting himself under control, and then he turned back into the room again.

 

He wanted this. He wanted to at least try. For all his faults, when Rodney McKay set his mind to something he threw himself into it, heart and soul, and this was no different. He'd give it his best shot, and trust that it would work out. Wasn't that all John was asking of him anyway?

 

He sat down at the table, and wrapped his arms around his body, trying to calm himself. He was so agitated he felt physically sick, and wondered if he was going to actually throw up. He rocked himself back and forth, trying to hold onto the reasons why he was here.

 

This was a big deal for him - it wasn't casual, or easy, like sex had so often been. It was bigger than that, and it scared him. He was as freaked out as he'd ever been right now, and that was saying something after his recent experiences with the Wraith.

 

At that moment the door slid open, and John walked into the room. Rodney's heart did a massive somersault in his chest and he almost passed out from the sensation. John was wearing a pair of black leather pants and a loose black shirt. There were leather wristbands on his arms, that silver thunderbolt earring dangling from his ear, and his hair was as perfectly tousled as ever.

 

"Rodney." John paused by the door, gazing at him in surprise, and then his expression changed to one of concern as he took in Rodney's condition. "Are you okay?"

 

"No I'm…I'm sorry. You weren't here, and the door just opened so I came in," Rodney babbled. "I have no idea why it opened. Perhaps I should check the mechanism for you to make sure it isn't broken."

 

"That's okay. I re-keyed it to let you in," John told him with a shrug. Rodney frowned, confused.

 

"Why?"

 

"Because you're my sub, and I want you to be able to come and go as you want," John said patiently.

 

Rodney started to shake again because now it was all starting to feel too real. John came over to him, and crouched down in front of him.

 

"It's okay, sweetheart," he said softly, putting his hands on Rodney's knees.

 

"I'm scared," Rodney admitted, gazing at him. John seemed to know what this was all about because those hazel eyes of his were kind and sympathetic - and sort of relieved too.

 

"I know." John rubbed his hands gently over Rodney's thighs, calming him. Rodney wasn't sure why John's touch always calmed him down but it did.

 

"Trust is a big deal for me," Rodney confided, because it was really important to him that John understood that. John smiled.

 

"I know - that's why I promise you I won't ever abuse that trust," he said softly.

 

"I came here because there just didn't seem to be anywhere left to go," Rodney said miserably. He felt stupid and weak, and this whole thing seemed really sappy and he wasn't used to that. He had always been supremely matter-of-fact and completely unsentimental about interpersonal relationships but he'd never felt like this before, and it was easy to be cynical when you didn't care.

 

"That's fine. That's good." John's fingers were soothing on his legs. "You came here, to me - you came home."

 

Rodney gazed at him, and found that sentiment made an odd sort of sense. Home was a place where you should feel you belonged, and he'd never felt like that growing up in his parents' confusing household. He'd tried to make a home for Jeannie after they'd died but he wasn't sure he'd been very good at it, although he'd genuinely done his best. Then, once she'd left home, he'd led a pretty itinerant lifestyle for several years, travelling all over the place before finally ending up here, in the Pegasus galaxy, which was as far away from home as you could get.

 

Strange that it should be here, then, that he finally found a place where he felt he belonged. Strange too that home should end up not being a place at all - but a person.

 

 

~*~

 

 

John stayed where he was, keeping still, anxious not to startle his skittish scientist, but inside he felt like cheering. Rodney was here! He had been surprised when he first walked through the door to find Rodney sitting at his table, looking like shit. At first, he thought they might be in for a replay of the other night, with Rodney rebellious and angry, still fighting him, but now he saw that the battle for Rodney's heart was over and he had won, and a sensation of relief washed over him.

 

Rodney had finally trusted him enough to come here and give himself to him, completely and without reservation, and, knowing what a big deal that was for his sub, John felt completely humbled by that trust. He had always known this moment would come, but now that it was here he was unprepared for all the emotions that were coursing through his body.

 

When he was fourteen, his father, Gil, had sat him down for the dreaded 'chat'. John had come home from school troubled, after he had lost his temper with a kid who had been following him around, pestering him, always trying to engage him in conversation - John didn't realise at the time that the boy had a crush on him.

 

John was upset because his team had just lost a football game, and he felt he'd played badly and let them down, and the kid was just there, big brown eyes wide with sympathy, chattering away at him, telling him it wasn't his fault. John had found himself angrily brushing off the hand the boy had placed on his arm, and then something had happened, some instinct, and he'd found himself pushing the boy against the wall and kissing him, hard, and it had felt so good to hold him there and kiss him until he stopped wriggling. Then, freaked out by the whole experience, John had released the kid and run home.

 

Gil had found him sitting in his bedroom, and John had related the whole experience to him, confused and troubled by it. Gil had just smiled that gentle smile of his, and put an arm around him.

 

"We knew this would happen - we were just waiting to see which way it went. Adam was on standby to deliver the other chat but I think we've both known for awhile that this was the way it would go," Gil told him. "Now, I want you to listen to me, John. You have plenty of time to find out what kind of a top you are, and I'm not going to tell you how to go about that - it's your journey and you'll go at your own pace. I'm only going to say one thing - being a top isn't about throwing your weight around, or hurting or abusing the subs you'll take during the course of your life. It's about taking responsibility for someone, about taking something that's offered freely and treating it like the beautiful gift it is. When it works, it's a feeling like nothing on this earth but if you ever abuse it - if you're mean, or cruel, or capricious, or deliberately hurtful, then you'll get all of that back in return - with interest. One day, I hope you find someone who means as much to you as Adam means to me. I want you to experience what that's like, that sense of the total trust another human being has in you. Everything else will just be a game up to that point - you'll know when it's for real."

 

Now, crouching here in front of Rodney, John knew what Gil had meant - about all of it. This was it - this was that 'for real' moment he'd been searching for all his life, and he felt as if his entire existence thus far had merely been a prelude to it.

 

"Hey. It's okay." John leaned forward, and kissed Rodney softly on the mouth. He didn't open Rodney's lips – he just dropped a sweet kiss on them. He could feel Rodney trembling beneath him, but he could also sense Rodney's eagerness, and surrender. He stroked his hands along Rodney's thighs as he kissed him, still crouched between Rodney legs. The kiss seemed to soothe and steady his shivering sub, and Rodney gradually relaxed.

 

Only then did John finally stand up. He smiled at his sub, and reached out a hand to draw Rodney to his feet. Rodney obeyed him instantly, and John felt a little surge of pleasure deep in his belly. Rodney looked tired and pale, and he was still shaking a little, but John thought he'd never looked more beautiful. Those blue eyes of his were shining; there was an expression of total trust in them, and it was that expression that turned him on more than anything else.

 

"Come here." John pulled Rodney close, and kissed him again, gently but more forcefully than before. Rodney clung to him, his mouth opening eagerly to accept John's questing tongue. John kissed him harder, and Rodney surrendered to him completely, his body pressed tightly against John's. It was a beautiful, special kiss, a kiss that marked the beginning of something precious and priceless – and something that would last until the day they died. John had absolutely no doubt at all that that was the truth.

 

John pulled Rodney even closer, kissing him passionately. It was thrilling, exhilarating and sensual but, most of all, it just felt completely and perfectly *right*, as if the universe had just slotted into place around them. Rodney's body felt the perfect weight in his arms, and Rodney was just the right height to kiss properly. John wondered how any other sub had ever managed to satisfy him before, because Rodney seemed so familiar to him, so completely the right shape, and size, and taste, that it was as if he'd been holding him and kissing him for a lifetime. Finally, John drew back, and he brushed his fingers gently over Rodney's cheek.

 

"I'm going to undress you," he said softly. "Don't move - just let me do it."

 

Rodney gave a tiny nod, and stood there, still shaking a little. John smiled, loving how Rodney was so responsive. He had always been amused by how every single emotion that Rodney was experiencing was reflected in those expressive eyes of his, and easily readable in his body language, and, as a top about to bed his sub for the first time, he now found that transparency extremely arousing.

 

Rodney was wearing a plain denim shirt, and John reached out, and undid the top button. He let his fingers linger because he wanted to savour every single moment of this. This was the first time he'd see Rodney naked, the first time he'd take him, and he wanted to etch it on his memory forever. John slid his fingers under the next button, and the next, slowly revealing a new section of bare Rodney flesh with each flick of his hand. Then, finally, the shirt was undone, and John took the edges and slowly peeled them away from Rodney's broad chest. He pushed the fabric back over Rodney's shoulders and down to his wrists and left it there, creating a state of semi-bondage as Rodney's lower arms were still trapped in the garment.

 

Then John paused and took a moment to enjoy the sight of Rodney's bare chest. It was covered in fine curls of brown hair - not as dark as his own chest hair, but almost as much of it. They were both pretty hairy guys. John gazed at Rodney for a long time, just drinking in the sight of him, and Rodney flushed from his neck all the way up to the roots of his brown hair. He gazed at the ground, sneaking little peaks at John from under his eyelashes in a way that John found incredibly appealing.

 

John couldn't resist kissing him again, placing a finger under Rodney's chin and drawing up his jaw in order to raise his lips to his. Rodney came willingly, his arms still trapped behind his back, and he surrendered so very sweetly to John's deep, loving kiss. John liked the way Rodney's naked chest felt, pressed against his own body, and he released Rodney, and took a step back, drinking in the sight of him again. He noticed that Rodney's nipples were standing out, hard and proud, and he grinned - he'd often seen those nipples poking through Rodney's tee shirts, and had wanted to press his mouth to them and see if they were as responsive as he suspected they were.

 

John reached out a lazy finger and stroked Rodney's chest soothingly, and then passed the tip of his finger over Rodney's left nipple, snagging it gently and stroking with his thumb. Rodney's entire body seemed to ripple in response, and John couldn't restrain himself; he moved in fast and took Rodney's right nipple in his mouth. Rodney gasped, and wriggled in his grasp, but his hands were immobilised and he couldn't push John away, even if he'd wanted to.

 

John held him there and sucked down gently, loving the mewling sounds that were emanating from Rodney's throat. Then, finally, John released the nipple and stood back. Rodney was just standing there, eyes closed, lips slightly parted, moaning softly. John felt his cock harden unbearably inside its leather prison. He'd never seen a more arousing sight in his life. As he watched, Rodney's eyes fluttered open, and he flushed again, clearly torn between arousal and embarrassment by all John's scrutiny. John grinned and ran a fingertip over the nipple he'd just sucked, loving the way Rodney responded with another of those enticing little ripples.

 

"These are sensitive," John said, aware that his voice was husky with arousal.

 

"God yes," Rodney murmured.

 

"Good," John said, with what he suspected was a feral grin. "I'll enjoy torturing them a little then. Every so often I'll tie you to the bed and play with them for hours on end, until you're begging me to stop, and hoping the whole time that I don't." Rodney gave an incoherent little moan at that, so John thought he liked the sound of it.

 

John reached out and grabbed Rodney's belt, anxious to continue his exploration of his sub's body. He unfastened the belt, and then bent down and undid Rodney's shoes. Rodney just stood there, allowing John to undress him, and he obediently lifted his legs when ordered so that John could remove his shoes and socks, and then slide his pants down his legs.

 

Soon Rodney was naked, except for the shirt that was tangled around his wrists. John took a step back and gazed, appreciatively, at Rodney's cock. It wasn't the biggest cock he'd seen, or the widest, but it was, without doubt, the most beautiful. It was smooth and perfectly curved, nestled in a bed of fine curls, and it pulsed and became semi-erect under his scrutiny. John grinned.

 

"How long can you hold it?" he asked. Rodney swallowed down hard.

 

"For as long as I'm ordered," he replied, his eyes alight with his eagerness to show John that he wanted to surrender to him, to do whatever his top asked of him, however hard.

 

"Beautiful. Then hold it until I say," John told him. Rodney nodded, looking a little bit flushed by the praise. John reached out and took that firm, perfect cock in his hand, and Rodney moaned and bucked up against him. "This is mine now," John whispered to him, just holding Rodney's cock in his hand.

 

Rodney rested his chin on John's shoulder and nuzzled there. "I need you to understand this," John said, the tone in his voice taking him by surprise. Rodney's hazy, aroused eyes widened, and he looked startled. "It's mine. Nobody gets to touch you here except me."

 

Rodney gave a little smile. "I knew you were the jealous type. When we were practising that day, and you had Lorne put me in a neck lock…."

 

"I wanted to beat him off you with a stick," John agreed, still a little surprised by the reactions that memory evoked in him. He'd never been the jealous type before Rodney. "I need you to understand this though, Rodney. I need that. The thought of anyone else touching you, or sucking you, or making love to you, makes me…." John felt a tide of rage sweep through him and his hand tightened around Rodney's cock, making his sub take a sharp intake of breath.

 

"It's okay. I understand," Rodney said soothingly. "I promise that nobody else will touch me there except you."

 

"Good." John felt himself relaxing and the tension died away. He pressed a gentle kiss to Rodney's mouth. Then he released his sub's cock and took another step back. "Turn around, Rodney. Let me see that magnificent ass," he ordered. Rodney took a deep breath and then turned, and John stepped forward and removed the shirt from around his wrists and threw it on the nearby chair, and then he stepped back again, and just looked.

 

He'd seen it before, back in the punishment room, but it hadn't been his then. Now it was. Now it was his, and he could touch it and kiss it the way he'd wanted to back then. Rodney's ass was undeniably beautiful – John had had a thing about it from the moment he first set eyes on Rodney, and now…now he finally got to claim his prize.

 

John got down on his knees and then, slowly and reverently, touched his lips to the smooth flesh. It felt divine under his lips - the flesh was soft and curving, the skin a beautiful creamy white. It was plump, but not fat, perfectly round and peachy and biteable. John drew back and pressed his hand onto one buttock, fascinated, wondering what it would be like to lightly and erotically spank this ass, and see the globes of flesh wobble beneath his fingers. He gave a groan of arousal at that thought, and pressed his mouth to Rodney’s buttocks once more, and trailed his lips over all that soft, creamy flesh. He kissed it, and then licked it, loving how it tasted and felt under his tongue.

 

Rodney was shivering now, surrendering beautifully to him, and John decided to test him a little, and see if that trust was as complete as he thought it was.

 

"I'm going to mark you," he said, his voice throaty. Rodney glanced at him over his shoulder, his eyes wide. "I need to mark you. This ass is mine. This body is mine. I'm claiming you for my own, Rodney. I want to see my marks on you."

 

Rodney gave a hazy smile, making it clear that he was happy to accept whatever marks John wanted to put on his body. John smiled back, and then cupped those luscious buttocks in his hands, trying to decide which one of them to mark. In the end he went for the right one, squeezing it in his hand first, and then leaning in to press his mouth against it. Rodney quivered slightly as John licked the skin, and then sank his teeth gently into the soft, ripe flesh. It felt so good under his teeth, so perfectly round and tender, and John deepened the bite, wanting to leave his mark. He went slowly – his aim was not to hurt Rodney, although he guessed it would cause a little discomfort, but no, what he wanted was to imprint a little piece of himself on Rodney’s skin.

 

Rodney gave a hiss, and rocked forward slightly on his toes, but apart from that he didn't move. John wrapped an arm around Rodney's thighs and pulled him closer to steady him, and then he bit down with more force. Rodney gave a little holler of pain which John ignored. He loved the way Rodney was wriggling in his grasp - trying to escape and yet also trying to do as his top had asked, and accept his bite mark onto his body. He loved the gasps and moans that Rodney was making, and the sensation of the cool flesh warming up under his warm mouth, the skin puckering between his lips into a fleshy lump. Most of all he liked the feeling of closeness and claiming - there was just him and Rodney, and this special moment when he first put his mark on his sub, and that made John want the moment to last for a very long time. Finally, regretfully, he released Rodney and rocked back to admire his handiwork. Rodney glanced over his shoulder again, and gave a ridiculously pleased little smile.

 

"That's perfect," he whispered, and John smiled and touched the mark with his fingertip, because it was. It was a beautiful red mark, and it looked just right set against all that pale skin. When he'd finished touching it, Rodney reached out a hand to rub it, and John felt a thrill of recognition at the look in his sub's eyes. Rodney was one of those subs who loved to be marked. He knew that this mark would give Rodney pleasure throughout the coming days, and that when Rodney was working in his lab his hand would wander to the mark and linger there briefly, and that would make Rodney smile.

 

For now though, John flicked Rodney's hand away. "When we're alone together, like this, I don't want you to touch yourself unless I tell you to," he said. Rodney frowned down at him, a puzzled look in his eyes. "Your body is mine," John explained. "I want to be the only one touching it - I want to know it's all for me."

 

Rodney looked a little startled by that but he nodded anyway. "I'll try and remember," he murmured.

 

"Forget and I might punish you," John said, a provocative grin curling the corners of his mouth. Rodney's eyes flashed, and John could see the excitement in them. "I'll want to spank you anyway, punishment or not. This beautiful ass was made to be spanked," John told him, and Rodney sighed, and wriggled his ass just a little in response. "Are you teasing me?" John got up and in one powerful move grabbed Rodney, turned him, and pulled him close.

 

Now Rodney's naked body was pressed against John's fully clothed one, Rodney's erect cock nestled between them, hard and pulsing. "I think you are teasing me," John whispered into Rodney's neck, his hands sliding down Rodney's naked back to rest on his equally naked bottom. "You should be careful…I'll have to punish you now," John told him and the way Rodney melted against him made it clear that his sub wasn't exactly displeased by that idea. "When I've spanked you I'm going to fuck you," John whispered into Rodney's ear. Rodney stiffened, and John held him tight. He knew that Rodney had a problem with anal penetration but he'd thought about that, and he had an idea.

 

"Sssh," John soothed, his hands making circles on Rodney's solid back. "It's okay…I want to make love to you, Rodney. I want to enter this beautiful ass, and come inside you. I have to do that, and you have to let me in. I promise I'll make it good if you just trust me. Do you trust me?"

 

Rodney had started to shake again, and John stroked him firmly - he was surprised by the effect that physical contact had on Rodney. The scientist always seemed to calm down when he stroked him - it was worth knowing. John loved that Rodney wasn't hiding his responses - there were no masks in here, tonight. Rodney had let down his guard, and wasn't afraid to show John his fears, and John was going to take those fears seriously, and show Rodney they were groundless. Rodney gradually relaxed under his touch, and then he turned his head and nodded.

 

"Okay," he whispered. "I do trust you. Do whatever you want to me - I'm yours." It was so simply said, but it pressed every toppy button John possessed, and he claimed Rodney's mouth with another fierce kiss.

 

Rodney's lips were surprisingly soft, and John loved the way he offered himself up to his caresses, with complete abandon, his entire body nestling in close to John's, utterly relaxed and compliant. John kissed him for a long time, and then released him - but only in order to take his hand, and draw him over to the bed.

 

He'd spanked Rodney once before, but that had meant business. This would be entirely for their mutual pleasure and John much preferred delivering that kind of spanking.

 

He sat on the bed, arranged a pillow on his knee, and then drew Rodney down onto it and made him comfortable. Rodney started shaking again, just a little, and John could feel the shadow of that last spanking, hanging between them. Rodney had told him then that John had broken him, and John wanted this spanking to wipe that slate clean. He knew that this was an incredibly vulnerable position to be in, lying naked, upturned and exposed on someone's lap, your ass offered up to them, with no safe word, just a fledgling bond of trust between you that could so easily be broken. John had no intention of breaking that trust. This would be a spanking that Rodney would enjoy.

 

John smoothed his hand over Rodney's ass, and Rodney jumped just a little at the touch. John calmed him, whispering to him softly, telling him what a great ass he had, and Rodney started to relax again. John didn't mind going at a slow pace - he loved having the opportunity to caress Rodney's ass. In fact, he seriously doubted he'd ever be able to get enough of this ass.

 

He caressed the firm globes of flesh for a long time, until Rodney was completely relaxed and moaning softly, and then he delivered a little tap to one of them. Rodney's butt rose eagerly to meet the next spank and John grinned, catching a glimpse of Rodney's hard cock and noticing how Rodney was grinding his hips into the pillow when he went back down. John placed a hand on Rodney's lower back to keep him in position, and then started to rain down some slow, lazy, spanks on Rodney's plump bottom. They were just hard enough to sting, and just light enough to arouse, and John took his time, savouring Rodney's exuberant reactions.

 

"Remember you have to hold that erection," John warned, as Rodney's thrusts against the pillow picked up pace. Rodney groaned, and looked back hopefully over his shoulder.

 

"Please let me come now," he asked, a playful glint in those blue eyes of his, but John just laughed, and shook his head.

 

"No. You'll come after I've come and not before, and that's the way it's always going to be," he said firmly. Rodney's eyes widened, aroused by that comment. "And I intend to come inside this nice warm ass," John told him, "and you'll come with me inside you too." The expression in Rodney's eyes immediately became a little panicked by that.

 

"Talk to me, Rodney," John said, and Rodney bit on his lip and shrugged.

 

"Nothing," he muttered. John stopped spanking him, and started stroking his bottom again.

 

"No, you need to tell me what's going on with you," he said firmly.

 

"It’s just…I really doubt I'll be able to come if you're inside me," Rodney said, looking a little defiant, but upset at the same time. "I won't be able to keep an erection, either. I never have. I'm happy for you to come inside me if that's what you want, John, but…I'm going to disappoint you if you expect me to keep hard while you do it."

 

John smiled at him. It was actually rather endearing that Rodney was more worried that he was going to disappoint John by not being able to hold his erection, than that the reason for that was because he was anticipating being in some pain and discomfort.

"I told you to trust me. So don't worry about it," John told him. "You will come with me inside you. I promise. Now just let go, and allow me to make it happen." Rodney gazed up at him, the internal struggle showing clearly in his eyes, and then something happened, and his eyes cleared, and he nodded.

 

"Okay. I'll try," he whispered.

 

John grinned at him. He had no doubts on the subject at all, and he turned back to Rodney's prettily glowing ass and started spanking him in earnest now. He knew that Rodney had a tendency to over-think things, and right now he needed to be distracted from his worries - and a good, firm spanking seemed the perfect way to achieve that.

 

After awhile Rodney's ass was glowing like a beacon, red and inviting. Rodney was moaning and squealing with every spank, and although he kept in position he wriggled all over the place. John smiled to himself. They'd have to work on the wriggling because he expected his subs to stay in place and take what he handed out, but he loved how Rodney couldn't keep anything in. He'd spanked some subs who submitted stoically to it, never uttering a word, but Rodney wasn't one of them and John found that very rewarding.

 

Rodney yelled and hollered and begged John to stop, but not in such a way that John thought he wanted that to actually happen. And, when he did finally bring the spanking to a close, he thought he detected a little flash of disappointment in Rodney's eyes. He gently dislodged Rodney from his lap, and arranged him on the bed, in the position he wanted him. He slipped his hand between Rodney’s legs and opened them wide, allowing his fingers to gently brush Rodney’s asshole as he did so. Rodney shivered.

 

"Okay, I want you to lie there, legs open wide like that - in the position I just put you in, and think about your ass, and how warm and inviting it is for me right now," John told him, sliding off from the bed. Rodney gazed at him, wide-eyed. "Just think about your asshole," John told him, undoing his leather cuffs and placing them on the nightstand. "Think about how open it is right now, and how you want to offer it up to me, so I can take you. Think about how good it'll feel to serve me with that hole, to take me into you, and let me claim you."

 

Rodney swallowed hard and nodded, but John noticed that he'd started to tremble again. John stripped off his clothes slowly, trying to re-focus Rodney's attention on him, and Rodney gradually calmed down a little, his eyes transfixed as John slid off his leather pants, and finally released his hard, jutting cock.

 

John knew his own cock wasn't what anyone would call pretty. It was thick, and blunt, and right now it was dark with need. Rodney seemed fairly impressed by it though, because he made a low, moaning sound in the back of his throat.

 

"Oh you'll get to touch," John told him, with a grin, "but not just yet." He got back onto the bed, completely naked, and took Rodney into his arms.

 

"I thought you were going to…uh…" Rodney nodded with his head in the direction of his ass.

 

"I am," John told him. "In awhile. Stop second-guessing me, Rodney. Just accept."

 

Rodney bit on his lip, and that was such an enticing sight that John couldn't resist leaning in and capturing the abused lip with his own. He loved the feeling of nakedness, of his own skin being pressed against Rodney's, and he knew it was exciting Rodney too, because he pressed up close and his hands wandered down John's back and came to rest on his ass. John grinned; fair was fair - he'd had a good feel of Rodney's ass so there was no reason why Rodney shouldn't get his share too.

 

John kissed Rodney for a long time, without hurrying, just enjoying the sensation of their two bodies, entwined. This whole experience was a sensory delight for him; he was getting to smell Rodney's scent, and touch Rodney's flesh, and see Rodney in all his naked glory and it made him tingle all over. John started to kiss lower, moving down to lick along Rodney's collarbone, and then lower still to take a nipple in his mouth and suck down hard. Rodney wriggled, and John drew back.

 

"I'm your top, Rodney, let me play," he ordered. Rodney nodded, and scrunched up his face as John went back in again. John couldn't help himself - it was so delicious to be able to torment Rodney like this, and his sub's reactions were so blissful and abandoned that he couldn't resist teasing him relentlessly, nibbling and sucking and licking the sensitive nipples without mercy. Rodney rocked helplessly and happily in his arms, and John loved how easy it was to bring him to the brink of ecstasy just by playing with his nipples. He took Rodney right to the edge, and then drew back, and reached for the lube in his nightstand drawer. He watched Rodney closely the entire time, and saw Rodney react again, his body stiffening.

 

"Ssh," John said, stroking him. "You trust me, remember?" Rodney nodded, his blue eyes still anxious, and John slathered lube on his hard cock, and then pushed Rodney's legs apart and settled between them. Rodney's erection had faded, just as he'd said it would, and John sighed - Rodney *did* trust him, but he knew his sub was offering himself up to what he was sure would be an ordeal, rather than expecting it to actually be pleasurable.

 

John changed his position, and dipped his head down and gently flicked his tongue over Rodney's asshole. Rodney gave a yelp of pure pleasure, his legs quivering slightly as John pushed his tongue in as far as it would go, making his sub sigh. John loved being so close to Rodney, loved dipping his tongue deep inside his sub, exploring him in this most secret place. He loved the intoxicating, musky scent and he lost himself in it for a long while, drinking in the pleasure of being so deeply intimate with his submissive. Rodney clearly loved being rimmed, and he whimpered with abandoned pleasure, surrendering himself completely to John’s insistent tongue.

 

John rimmed Rodney until his sub was relaxed again, and then he drew back, and reached for the lube once more. He lubed his finger and slid the cool gel into Rodney's hole. Rodney immediately tensed, and John slid the finger back and forth for awhile to get him used to the sensation. He knew Rodney was trying, knew also that the reaction was involuntary - that Rodney's experiences in the past had left him with entirely negative associations about penetration. John inserted another finger but Rodney was too tight, clenching himself against the intrusion, and John knew that it was time to try out his plan.

 

He rolled down beside Rodney, and took his sub in his arms so that he was facing away from him, his buttocks pressed against John's straining cock. John longed to pull apart Rodney's butt cheeks and bury himself inside, but he also knew that wouldn't work and Rodney would freeze up if he tried it. Instead, he gently opened Rodney's buttocks and pressed the tip of his cock against Rodney's tight hole. Rodney tensed in his arms, clearly imagining John was going to enter him, but John didn't do more than tease the puckered opening with just the tip of his cock. He pressed it in, then pulled back, and then repeated the motion. Rodney started to relax, and John risked pressing in a little more. The ring of muscle was still tight, and he didn't even try to breach it, just pulled back and pressed in over and over again.

 

"You're so beautiful," John murmured to Rodney, his hands wandering over Rodney's body, and coming to rest on his flaccid cock. "God you're hot. You make me so hard…." He pressed a series of little kisses against the back of Rodney's neck, and was gratified when Rodney loosened up a bit, his shoulders starting to feel less tense. "Turn over for me - onto your hands and knees," John ordered, and Rodney stiffened again, obviously imagining that the foreplay was over, and that this time John *would* take him. Still, he did as he was told without demur, although John noticed that the trembling was back.

 

John took a moment to savour the sight of a naked Rodney, on his hands and knees on the bed, his warm ass glowing, and a perfect red bite mark standing out proud on his right buttock. It was such a good sight, such an incredibly arousing sight, that John allowed himself a moment to just look. Rodney was *his*. No matter how many times he told himself that, he still felt a tingle of amazed pleasure.

 

Rodney was his naked, obedient sub, lying on his bed and doing whatever John ordered him to do, and John felt as if he'd finally come into his own as a top. There had always been an element where he'd been playing at it before - doing it well, but never really *feeling* it, in his heart, but now he could feel it in every nerve-ending in his body, in every fibre of his being, and it was *Rodney* who was making him feel like this. Rodney was the perfect sub to bring out his inner top, to make him into the top he'd always had the potential to be, and with Rodney it felt like sex was more than just bodies - it was so much more than that.

 

He felt connected to Rodney on every level, and he thought Rodney felt it too, judging by the way he was looking up at John over his shoulder, those blue eyes of his open and unguarded, allowing John to see everything he was. He was giving himself to John to take and make his, offering himself up willingly, without reservation. Gil had told him it would feel like this when he found the right person, and John understood something now of what a gift it was when a sub truly gave himself to you for the taking, the way Rodney was now. The power exchange between them was electric, rendering every touch full of shocks and sparks.

 

John opened Rodney's legs with his hand and lubed his cock again, and then he pressed it against Rodney's tight asshole once more. Rodney moaned, and John could see by the strain in his muscles that he was *trying* to open up. John planted a trail of kisses all the way down his spine, and Rodney was whimpering now, his body shaking.

 

"You want to take me," John whispered, stroking Rodney's haunches with his fingertips. "You want it so bad. You want to feel me move inside you, want me to claim you, and make love to you."

 

Rodney pressed back against him but still John didn't surge forwards. He tested the opening again, and found it looser, but Rodney still wasn't relaxed enough to take him. John contented himself with kissing Rodney's back, and taking his cock in his palm and rubbing it to its former erect state. Then he turned Rodney onto his back and settled between his legs once more. He took Rodney's balls in his hand and played with them, loving the mewling sounds Rodney made when he caressed them.

 

"Keep moaning for me," John told him. "That sounds so good." Rodney gazed up at him, looking stunned by the whole experience. "I love you, Rodney," John told him sincerely, and then he leaned down and kissed Rodney again, trapping his hard cock between their bodies, his own cock rigid with need. Yet still he had to control himself. He had to do this right.

 

John nuzzled against Rodney's neck, and kissed his way down Rodney's jaw, and Rodney reached up and touched John's face, an expression of utter wonderment in his eyes. John went lower, pressing gentle, tender kisses wherever he went, and then he settled back and slipped the tip of his cock into Rodney's opening again. Rodney seemed more relaxed now, and he opened his legs wide to accommodate John. Still John didn't make his move. He just kept dipping his cock in and then pulling back, never completely breaching the ring of muscle, or pushing all the way in. Rodney was starting to moan more loudly now, his entire body relaxed and abandoned.

 

"Want you in me," he whispered, and then he looked up, startled, as if he was surprised he'd said that. John smiled, and brushed his sub's sweaty curls away from his forehead.

 

"Not yet…when you're ready…not yet."

 

He kept on pressing his cock into Rodney's opening until Rodney was so used to the sensation he wasn't expecting anything more, and he was completely relaxed with what John was doing…and then, unexpectedly, John pushed his cock in - and kept going. Rodney eyes widened in surprise, but by now John had slid through the tight ring of muscle, and he kept his cock there, while he waited for Rodney's body to adjust to the intrusion. "It's okay, ssh, just take it," John whispered.

 

Rodney's blue eyes remained fixed on his, and John smiled down, tenderly. Oh god! He was taking Rodney, claiming him with his cock for the first time, and it felt so good! Rodney's asshole was tight around his cock, and John wanted more. He wanted to surge forwards and finally make Rodney completely his, but still he waited, rocking a little to loosen the hole. He noticed when Rodney's body relaxed again, and this time he pushed in the whole way, sliding in deep, up to the root, and ending up with his body on top of Rodney's, his arms braced on either side of Rodney's chest. Rodney's face was close, his eyes a little frantic, and John caught his lips in his own, soothing him.

 

"Okay?" he whispered, in between little nuzzling kisses. "Feel okay?"

 

"Feels…big, stretched…but it doesn't hurt...took me by surprise," Rodney whimpered.

 

"That was kind of the point," John replied, kissing him again, a little whisper of a kiss. "Getting used to it?"

 

"Mmmm," Rodney replied, his legs coming up to wrap themselves around John's body.

 

"Good…because I'm going to move now." John eased his hips back and heard Rodney's gasp as his cock nearly left his body - and then he pushed back in again, surging forward with a firm thrust. Rodney gave a sigh of release - as if he'd just been holding his breath for a very long time.

 

"Oh god…that feels…oh shit…" he whispered. "It's never felt like this before. It doesn't hurt!"

 

John smiled, and kissed him again, because Rodney looked so adorable right now, naked and unguarded and so completely submissive beneath him. "That's good," he replied, "because this is pretty much where I want to spend the rest of my life so you should get used to it."

 

Rodney grinned up at him, and then, for the first time that evening, John heard a sound that made his heart flip. Rodney giggled. He giggled, and his hair bounced around his neck, and he looked so happy that John just gazed at him, drinking in the sight.

 

"I want this moment to last forever," John sighed. "Me, inside you, you - looking like you do right now."

 

He closed his eyes to capture the image in his memory, savouring the feel of Rodney's warm, tight flesh around his cock, milking him, and the touch of Rodney's relaxed body under his arms, and the sound of Rodney's gurgling laughter ringing in his ears. Then he opened his eyes again, and looked down on his beautiful, compliant sub.

 

"I love you," he whispered. "God, I love you so much." And he moved his hips for another smooth thrust, and then another. Rodney's eyes were wide as they gazed up at him, full of surprised pleasure at each powerful thrust. John grinned, and then reached between their bodies and found Rodney's cock. It was already semi-erect and soon sprang fully into life as John slid his hand along it. Rodney's eyes were laughing now, as he realised just how much he was enjoying this. His entire body was convulsing around John's cock, and John honestly did think this was the best night of his entire life.

 

Time seemed to slow down, and there was just the two of them and all this exquisite pleasure. Every hungry thrust made his body hum with delight, and he could tell by the expression on Rodney's face that it was the same for him. John held off his orgasm for as long as he could, wanting to stay here, inside Rodney's body, for as long as humanly possible, but finally his self-control cracked, and he began to speed up, thrusting harder, claiming Rodney for his own with each inward thrust, claiming him body and soul.

 

The pleasure built to crescendo, and then his brain was flooded in white light and he could feel himself coming, deep within his sub's willing body. He shouted out his orgasm, his semen spurting out of him and into Rodney, in warm, ecstatic bursts. He rubbed his hand harder along Rodney's cock as he came, and he was dimly aware of telling Rodney that he was allowed to come too, whenever he liked, and next thing he knew Rodney was making an amazing growling sound in the back of his throat and then he was coming all over John's hand, and over his own belly. Finally the waves of pleasure slowed, and John collapsed, exhausted, onto Rodney.

 

He lay there for a long time, aware of Rodney's fingers stroking his hair, and of how his cock was now soft inside Rodney's warm body. Finally, with a groan, he slid gently out of Rodney, aware, from the slight hissing noise Rodney made, that the movement pained his sub a little.

 

He threw himself down beside Rodney and reached for him, pulling him into his arms. Rodney came, willingly, and nuzzled at John's neck, seeking kisses that John was only too happy to provide. They kissed slowly, lazily, all the sexual urgency gone, and John reached down to cup one of Rodney's plump ass cheeks in his hand.

 

"I told you I'd make it good," John told his sub. Rodney gave him a weary, happy, post-coital smile.

 

"And I trusted that you would," he said sleepily. John laughed, and hugged him close, delighted that his sub was finally wrapped up in his arms, where he belonged, naked, and sated and happy.

 

"Thank you for that." John kissed his forehead.

 

"No choice in the end," Rodney muttered. "You're a hard man to resist, John Sheppard."

 

"And you're an easy man to love, Rodney McKay."

 

Rodney's sleepy eyes widened just a little at that, as if he really doubted that was the case, and John sighed, and kissed him again, determined that he'd get his sub to accept that, in time.

 

John watched as Rodney fell asleep in his arms. John was still too hyped up to sleep himself, and he lay there for a long time, drinking in the sight of his beautiful sub, lying naked and abandoned in his bed. Every now and then he pressed a little kiss to Rodney's cheek or forehead, or combed his fingers gently through his sub's wavy hair.

 

It meant something that Rodney was here, that Rodney had come to him and surrendered to him, that he trusted him. It was that trust that touched his heart, and he glanced at the picture of his smiling fathers on his nightstand, and remembered again what Gil had said to him all those years ago.

 

There were many, many things John wanted to do to Rodney, many ways he wanted to explore his sub's body, but tonight's love-making had been perfect for their first time. They had time - the rest of their lives - to do more. For now, he was just happy to lie here and watch Rodney sleep. God knows the poor guy needed it. He'd looked shattered when John had found him here earlier, but now, sleeping like a baby in John's arms, he finally looked at peace.

 

It was late when John woke. He came to immediately, reaching for Rodney, only to find that the bed was empty. He glanced around, worried, and then saw Rodney standing by the floor-to-ceiling window, looking out at the sunrise, watching the first golden beams of light striking the sea beneath them.

 

John's breath caught in his throat because Rodney looked perfect standing there like that. He was completely naked, his white skin lit by the rosy rays of the sun. His cock was hanging loose and free and John gazed at it hungrily, aching for them to be in physical contact again, wanting to touch his sub, to hold him and make love to him.

 

He was about to call Rodney over to the bed when something in his lover's expression stopped him. Rodney looked…kind of lost. He was resting his head on one arm, just gazing out over the water, and he seemed troubled, lost in thought. It was rare to see Rodney standing still in one place for long, not speaking or moving restlessly around, and John felt a little knot of anxiety form in his belly.

 

John got up, silently, and padded across the room. He slid an arm around Rodney's body and pressed a kiss to the back of his neck. Rodney shifted slightly, and his hand came up and covered the one that John had around his waist.

 

"Is everything okay?" John asked, anxiously, kissing Rodney's ear.

 

"I don't know," Rodney replied, still gazing out at the sea. "I just woke up and I feel…I've never felt like this before. I have no idea how to handle it." Then he turned his head, and his blue eyes were suddenly very close. "My god, John, what have you done to me?" he asked, his voice breaking slightly as he spoke.

 

John smiled, and tightened his arms around Rodney's naked body, no longer worried. He knew the answer to this one. "I made you mine," he said softly. Rodney turned in his arms and curled his fingers through John's hair, smoothing it as he went.

 

"Yes," he whispered, in a surprised tone, as he finally figured that one out. "Yes, I guess you did."

 


 

Part Eleven: The Truly Spectacular Blowjob

 

Continued Here

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